Better Place

this last week has been stressful and had me feeling just a little overwhelmed...

I have had to readjust my way of thinking about certain things. I am not sure what the future will hold, however i know that my future holds the constant change and growth in the way I look at people, places and things and that the change and growth is all part of my life process.

From my husband this week, I learned what it means to really be commited to the relationship. We had a very rough patch and I tossed in the towel... he held out and kept trying when I was being nothing but a bitch. Today I happy to report that we are going to stay married and neither of us are giving up on the vows we made.

I also learned that the daughter I have living in my home has few of the values that I would want her to have. I can see how the limited time she and i had together the previous 7 years has had a impact on things for shaping who she is.

I am trying to deal with this child who is so different in the way she views the world, in the way she interacts with people in the world, and how she perceives things in relationship to herself. She has developed a lot of her father's narcistic tendencies and black and white thinking. It is frustrating for me to hear her either hate or love people. She has no understanding yet of loving someone independently from their actions. She is clueless about unconditional love.

I only have 3 years 5 months to share with her about these things. I hope and pray that i am able to teach her by example and by my words more about what unconditional love really is and how you can love someone and not like what they do. Teach her how you can be there for the people you love without giving up who you are, your values, yourself. It is so important that she learn these things.

Well I better get to sleep~ have things to get done in the morning so i can't laze about!

I am not in a good place

I have a knack for just fucking up my life...

Right now, at this moment, I am depressed, lonely hurt, angry, overwhelmed and ready to just crawl in a hole and cover myself up.

I know there is something in me that attracts all this drama and chaos. I wish I knew what it was so I could make it go away...

I am tired.

March 23, 2010 - SACRAMENTO, CA—United States Attorney Benjamin B. Wagner announced today that Senior United States District Judge Frank C. Damrell Jr. sentenced RONALD EUGENE BERNAL, 48, of Susanville, today to 15 years in federal prison followed by 20 years of supervised release for producing and possessing visual depictions of minors engaged in sexually explicit conduct. BERNAL is required to pay just over $63,000 in restitution to his victim and to register as a sex offender as provided under state and federal laws.This case was the product of an investigation by special agents from the Sacramento Office of the FBI and the Lassen County Sheriff’s Department.

well....

I made a HUGE mistake getting married. He is physically and verbally abusive. I feel so totally stupid for believing that he was some kind of wonderful... I have no decent filter for gauging men. The men I attract to my life only hurt me and my children.

I dont know what to do...

Never date again? Give up all hope of having a partner in my life? Right now it seems the only option to keep my children safe. Anything else puts my babies at risk...

Men suck... I am so hurt and dissilusioned and just... uggg

Good Morning! My wedding is tomorrow! I am so excited and so happy and WOW! This is just so amazing! I know that I am going to spend the rest of my life with David~ I know this marriage is blessed by GOD. Dave and I are really trying to do this the right way and according to GOD's word.

Some of it has been very easy to do, some has been a little harder, but I do believe he and I have been true to what we know GOD wants us to do. I cannot even begin to tell you how my heart swells when I am with him. He is such an amazing blessing inmy life.

A friend of mine use to lecture me, telling me that if a person did not enhance your life, if they brought you down, you had dark feelings because they are in your life, etc that it was probably not a person you needed to associate with.

Well... today I finally know what she meant...

Previous relationships I would find myself having to defend the person I was with, defend behaviors because the person was not behaving appropriately, feeling depressed because of the persons actions, feeling depressed because of my own actions trying ot keep the relationship...

With David, there is no actions to defend, he presents himself just as he is and so I am not caught trying to justify the relationship. He truly is a enhancement to my life in so many ways. His faith and belief in GOD, it helps me to stay in my relationship with GOD. Certainly having a companion who has the same focus is a huge deal. Since David and I both have our focus on GOD, it is amazing...

Ecclesiasties 4 talks about how two are stringer than one. In Ecclesiasies 4;12 it says that although one can be overpowered, two can stand together and resist and then it says a 3 fold cord is not broken. That 3rd cord is GOD. So when 2 are together with GOD... it is a great and strong thing. That is what my marriage is going to be.

My children are part of all this and the two little ones adore David. The other day, my heart broke a little and was also filled with joy at the same time. Allen had fallen and was hurt, so I was holding him, comforting him when David came up to us. Allen reached for Dave and snuggled down into his arms and stopped crying. There was that part of me that had my feelings hurt, that someone else could comfort MY baby~ at the same time I was filled with joy that my son accepted Dave like that and has the bond with him to be comforted by him.

Elizabeth is introducing Dave as her Step Dad (no Daddy this time) she seems to be in a good place as far as their relationship goes. She let him know she had a Daddy and that she loves her Daddy and Dave was welcome to be part of her life but he wasn't her Daddy. It was cute to listen to her talk that day. She is still questioning his authority over her. She isn't sure how much of a "boss" he is so she pushes the boundries.

My daughter, she is a little more reluctant to accept him. She still hopes and dreams that Mom and Dad will get back together and be there together for her. Intellectually she knows it will never be, but her heart still hopes. Her life has been so difficult and my heart aches for all the pain I allowed and caused in her life. while I cannot change the past, I can work on a better future.

One the bright side, Katie has gone from calling him a rather rude name when talking about him or introducing him to others to a place where she is more accepting of him and that he is going to be part of our lives. In fact this morning she made an indication that she thinks he might be around a long time when she said that he might help her buy a car when the time comes... While it is only a year and a half, for a young teen that is a life time and to me indicates she is accepting him in our lives.

Well I better go get a shower and get this day moving~ lots to do on this wedding eve!