Announcement!

It is OFFICIAL!~ I have custody of my daughter! It has been a long battle and one I wish didn't have to be fought. However, I am so grateful to God for bringing her home. In an ideal world her father and I would have shared her more equitably. I cannot change who he is, I can however do my best to ensure that he has better access than he allowed me.

I am in a rather odd place emotionally with all this. When my Ex and I divorced I asked for custody. At that time I did not know about 50/50 custody. Several years later, after I realized how much the kids needed BOTH of us, we had moved from the kids living with me 80% of the time to the two of us sharing a very close 50/50 situation.

There are days I regret having filed against myself in 2001 to have the custody made officially 50/50. From that time on my Ex did what he could to interfer with my relationship with our children. Most of the time though, I know I did the right thing and although I have some animosity towards my Ex for what he has done, I do know that he loves the kids and more importantly they love him.

Today, as I celebrate my daughter being in my physical custody I also have to think about my other daughter and son and their situation...

My youngest daughter does know who her father is. She has had a chance to have something of a relationship with him. It is a bit of a different relationship but seems to be comfortable for her and her father. Her father has really stepped up this last 7 months and been a positive influence in her life.

Yet, I am still a bit sad that there isn't more of a relationship between the two of them. I wish she could spend more time with him. But I have to keep myself and my feelings out of it and just let her and her Dad do their own thing.

Then there is Allen~

My little guy will never know his father. When I was talking to a friend the other day about it she asked if I had thought about letting Allen write his father as he gets older.

This is such a conundrum for me. How do I let one child have any sort of relationship with a person who caused such harm to a sibling of the child? My gut is still telling me to allow absolutely NO contact between the vile creature that is my sons father and my son. No good could ever come of it.

I am not sure what to do about how I feel about what this man did and how my son is going to look at himself because of my view of his Dad. I just don't know how to overcome my revulsion over what this man did to help my son feel good about where he came from.

Although...

For Christmas and his Birthday I bought my son a few big rig truck toys along with some cars. I shopped carefully for what I got him so that as he played I could tell him some good stuff... Like a guy the other day was teasing my little guy about being a plumber because of his britches were scooting down his bottom. I laughed and said "No, he is working on being a truck driver"

I know how much his sperm donor loved truck driving, collecting cars and trucks and maybe that is a positive thing about the man I can pass on to my baby boy. At least it is something that doesn't make my stomach turn in revulsion thinking about...

Well my babies are all in bed so I s'pose I should go get some sleep myself~ lots of stuff coming up this week that I need to get done. My friend will be by in the morning bringing me my StarBucks, I have another friend stopping by sometime tomorrow to see if he can fix my washing machine for me, I need to get some general housework done before he shows up, Bug has a dentist appointment, and then there is Friday...

My goodness lots to get done!