My Family

Good Morning!

Good Morning! Ok so it is like still the middle of the night but I am awake for some off the wall reason and I am not going back to sleep... so here I am.

I had really good day today~ Started this morning with my little guys home teacher coming over. She had some great stuff to share about some games and stuff to do with him to encourage development. You can read more about this in his blog tomorrow when I post some of what we talked about there.

After teacher left, Elizabeth and I had a blast making these funfusion craft things. Little beads that you put on these little boards and then iron to fuse them together and walla little trinkets. We had fun playing with them. Joshua even had fun making one later when he came over.

After our craft time we just lazed around playing little games and singing songs that we found on the internet. We did an internet search for church songs for Elizabeth and she had a lot of fun with that. She even drew some pictures to go with a couple of the songs. I am suppose to print out the songs so she can make a song book for herself.

So that was pretty much our day... just me and the two kids playing together, Josh stopping by for a bit and visiting. Eugene popping in for 5 minutes before heading off again...

Really a good day... so why am I awake at gawd aweful thirty in the middle of the night not able to sleep?

Well...

Tonight before she went to bed, my little one was snuggling up. She asked me "Mommy, do you think I'll ever see Daddy again?" My heart hurt for her. I told her that I didn't think so, at least not until she was all grown up. She asked if he would hurt her if she saw him before she grew up. This is such a balancing act...

I told her that I didn't know if he would or not. But that he done something that hurt other kids so that I couldn't let him be around her because of that. She pulled away from our cuddle and said "I hate him". Tears welled up and my chest hurt so much when she said that. Because I think I understand exactly what she is talking about.

I told her that it was ok to be angry with him and asked her if she knew why she was mad at him. She is mad because he hurt other children, she is mad because he went to jail, she is mad because she can't see him ever again. As she talked I could hear the pain in her voice. She has been so quiet about this situation for the most part. But I was told to let her be and let her come to me when she was ready. That is what I have done.

I told her that I was very sorry that he did what he did and that she was hurt because of it. She asked me again why he did it. I don't know WHY. Because he is sick. Of course that answer isn't going to help her. Again a balancing act. I asked her if she knew that when she threw her clothes on the floor it made me upset? She said yes. I asked her if she threw her clothes on the floor anyway. She said yes. I asked her if she knew why she threw her clothes on the floor if she knew I was going to get mad at her.

The look on her face was enough. She doesn't know why. I told her, just like she didn't know why she did things that she knew she shouldn't do, he knew that too and just like she did the naughty things he did. She was smart enough to know that throwing clothes on the floor isn't as bad as whatever he did (she still doesn't know the extent of what he did) and she said as much.

I did the best I could to explain that sometimes people will do things they know are wrong to do and sometimes even hurt other people when they are doing wrong things. I told her that anytime we do something we know we aren't suppose to do, we have to be responsible for it. Clothes on the floor, hitting people, not doing homework, not listening to mom... anytime we do something like that there is a consequence. Sometimes the consequence is just getting yelled at and sometimes it is being on restriction.

She understood what I was talking about. She is still mad at him. I told her that her being mad is ok. I told her it was also ok that she missed him and still loved him. She is really struggling with the conflicting emotions she is having.

All I wanted to do was make it all go away for her. I know I can't. She has to work through it at her own pace.

We had snuggled back up and she asked me if I thought Grandma was watching over her. I told her I thought so. She told me that Grandma would be really mad at Daddy. I agreed with her. She said she thinksGrandma might haunt him. I laughed and told her maybe. She said that Grandma would because he hurt us and Grandma would protect us. I figure if it helps my baby to think that Grandma is haunting him so that she can cope.. let her.

Now back to why I am awake...

I had fallen asleep. Allen woke up, waking me up. I gathered him up to nurse him and the look on his face... it was so much like his Dad. I caught myself with tears slipping down as Allen ate.

How unfair is it to my children that this man made the choices he made and that they are going to suffer all there lives because of his choices. Totally not fair to them. The older boys struggle with wanting to get revenge because he did what he did to their sister. Katie struggles because of what he did to her. Elizabeth struggles with him not being around and I wonder if he did anything to her???? She hasn't disclosed anything but she is so mad at him... and then little Allen.

He will never know his father. Never get to play ball with him. Never go on a fishing trip with him. Never even see him as long as he is a child if I have anything to say about it. That stupid man VIOLATED children while I was pregnant with his son and his son pays...

I know bottom line is I am the responsible. I should have never even got involved with the man. I know that I am the one that will have to live with that mistake the rest of my life and my son will be the one who suffers the repercussions of my stupidity. Never do I wish he wasn't here, but I do wish with all my heart the situation could have been different.

There is no justification for what choices I made. I did it and I have to live with those consequences and it hurts my heart to know that my children hurt because of my stupidity.