Some Sadness Tonight

This evening a friend of mine stopped by for a short visit...

He has a saughter who is 2 and a son who is a about 7 months old, babies he hasn't got to see in just over a month. Not because he has done anything wrong, not because he is a bad father, or even a rotten partner... he hasn't seen his kids because Mom decided that she was "over" him and moved out of his house with the kids.

I sat here talking to him tonight, his eyes kept filling with tears at not getting to see his kids. He told me how he will wake up at 5:30am and get up and go to the baby's room before he remembers they are gone. He was telling me that he worries about both Mom and the babies and feels so helpless and hopeless. He wonders how they are and wants so bad to see them but Mom is refusing to tell him where she is and has told him that she will tell him where she is when she feels like it. He can't even file anything with the court because he can't have her served.

I sat there feeling so sad for him. Here is a dad who has tried so hard, he took care of his family, was home every day right after work, didn't go out partying or hanging with the "boys". He went home to his family. He took care of them. Mom has never had to work, he has supported them. He showed me the letter that she left him... in it she says he was a good man, a good father, etc... she said in it that she just didn't love him and couldn't live with him anymore. She said in her letter that she would contact him in a few months to let him see the kids and that he needed to give her space so that she could bond with HER children. She also told him that she had emptied their bank account to move out and to not contact her parents because they wouldn't tell him anything.

As I read the letter, saw the pain in my friends face, I was filled with anger...

All I could think was how my son's father had me served with court papers for custody back last March. It brought all the anger and resentment to the surface over that whole crap. The man KNEW what he had done to violate my daughter, to violate other children, and he sued me for custody and visitation. Yet...

When we got to mediation, he caved. I think back now and I know why. It was because he knew that if his wife were brought into any of it she would give him up knowing what she did about him. So when I said that I wanted her to have NOTHING to do with our son, he quickly agreed to a no contact clause in our custody orders. When I said I wasn't comfortable letting him take the baby away from me even for short visits, he agreed to the visits being in my home... not because he wanted to I am sure, it was to keep people from digging to much into his life and finding out what was really going on.

Here was an evil vile man who had NEVER, not even 1 time, been denied seeing his son. He had open access. Yet he filed against me... in comparison there is this truly good father who is being denied his children by an evil vile woman. The world we live in is so distorted.

Things like hearing an FBI agent tell me that pictures with a child in their underwear is not pornography or illegal~ no matter the positions the child is posed in made me angry. A little girl was violated but because the photographs are of a child with underwear on it is ok in the eyes of the law...

A sick evil vile world... where wives protect their husbands from their depravity being discovered... and then expect forgiveness for it because they profess some love of GOD... where that same wife wants to have contact with her husbands illegitamate child, even after he has cheated on her to concieve the child because she has forgiven him for his actions...

A very strange and twisted world without a doubt.

After my friend left and I was sitting here sort of processing all of these thoughts...

I cried

I thought about how my choices hurt my babies so very much. All of my children were hurt by this man's involvement in our lives. I can't blame him. I made the choices. All I had to do was say go away... and KEPT saying it when he kept coming back. But I didn't and so the children suffer the consequences and I have to live with that as my reality. That it is my fault the children have been hurt the way they have because I allowed the man to be part of our lives.

For the rest of my life I will have to watch my son go through life wondering about his father. He will never know what it is to be loved by a daddy~ he will never know what it is like to have daddy tuck him in~ he will never know anything about what having a dad in his life really is all about. It sucks... Had I just STUCK to the no contact way back in February 2008... instead of listening to his bullshit lies, instead of letting him back into our lives... although other children may have been hurt... it wouldn't have been my children hurt.

I know I cannot change the past~ a friend of mine said that part of forgiveness is moving on into the future~ I know I need to forgive myself for this and let go of the anger and resentment at myself for the mistakes I made with this man in my life.

In about 5 minutes it will be his birthday... Do I tell my son about it? Do I tell him his Daddy's birthday is today? Is his birthday something to celebrate or something to mourn? Like I know if he hadn't been born it would have changed a great many lives in radical ways... but then if he hadn't been born... my children wouldn't be dealing with this violation he did in our lives. I wouldn't have my son... and I don't want to change having him and to change his parnetage would change who my little guy is... I don't know... maybe in the next few years I will come to some sort of peace about all this to be able to give my son something that is encouraging instead of the wishing the man had never been born and mourning this day instead of it being a celebration...