Serious Stuff & Stupid Stuff

My little guy has H1N1~ he is a very sick little guy. He has the coughing, sniffling, sneezing, achy, fever won't let Mommy rest stuff. I am really worried about him. He started yesterday with just a little snuffle~ I figured maybe seasonal allergies or maybe a cold. Then around bedtime he started running a fever~

He was fussy all night long. A dose of tylenol helped for a little while, but before the next dose was due his fever was back up and he was crying again. Finally this afternoon when he just seemed to be getting worse I took him to the hospital. Doctor looked him over, ran some tests, made out a few prescriptions...

I feel so helpless as a Mom~ my baby is so sick and all I can do is watch and hope the medicines work. When he is coughing and I can see it hurts him to do it... I can't do anything but hold him until he has finished.

As I was bundeling him up to leave the hospital this evening, I had this rather random thought about his sperm donor go through my head...

My last visit to the hospital was February 3, 2009... the day my Mom passed away.

That month, from January 3rd when my son was born until February 3rd when my Mom passed away I spent way to much time in hospitals. My son's sperm donor was there along side me at the birth of our son, when my Mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital when my baby was just 3 days old he was there, when our son got sick with jaundice, his sperm donor was there... the day my Mom died~ he was there.

So he wasn't there today, when I had to take my son to the hospital. The first time I had been to the hospital since February 3rd.

It wasn't exactly resentment... but sort of? I felt cheated...

First this asshole had inserted himself into parts of my life that forever changed my life. The birth of my son and the loss of my Mom were both HUGE things in my life and stupid was there and a big part of both of those events. He inserted himself and it was all lies... him saying he loved me, loved our son, loved my Mom... all lies.

Todays trip to the ER with the baby triggered the feelings of betrayal by this man. While we were in the ER I was too worried about the baby to think about any of this. It was only once my baby had been ssen and I was taking him home that all this hit...

I realized this evening, the effects that this mans lies and actions will have on my life are going to be ongoing. It isn't going to be a deal with it, get over it, move on. It is going to be deal with bits and pieces here and there, get over it, move on and then have another issue come up deal with it in bits and pieces, get over it, and move on...

And I have to deal with being a single parent to my son for the rest of his life... to know that I will never have his father around to help walk the floor when the baby is crying because he is sick, when he needs to be rocked and cuddled because he feels miserable... it is all on me.

All because this man is a deviant who finds baby girls objects of sexual stimulation... evil... the man is just evil. It is so vile and my family has been so devistated by it...

Today it became evident to me that the repercussions of this mans actions on my life and the life of my children is going to be long reaching.

Now I am going to go snuggle my sick little guy and let him know Mommy loves him and will always be here for him...