Fantazmagorical Life!

I am so serious~ GOD is truly AMAZING!

OK so last week I was all gloomy and having wierd sort of emotions and processing going on~ then this week started off with the baby being sick and me feeling really out of control~

So towards the middle of the week things started to change...

I have to tell you, just because things are ick, does NOT mean GOD isn't working behind the scenes to make wonderful and fantastic things happen. Things you cannot even imagine~

Because of some other things going on, I really cannot write about all the things that are happening in my life right now. I just need to really emphasize that GOD is in control and really GOOD things are happening in my life~

On a lighter note...

A 14 year old with sissors and a desire to cut Mom's hair...

She actually did a pretty good job~ my hair is shorter than I have had it in several years, but it looks good and the kid did a good job. While she was cutting my hair, going on about my nails needing to be cleaned up, and telling me how I dress like an old lady~ she also was telling me that she really thought she would enjoy being a beautician. She really enjoys doing hair and nails and all that sort of thing.

Of course her father will flip out~ he expects her to go to college and be something like an accountant or some such thing. This girl is just not going to be one who does a job like that. It isn't her personality~ she wants a little flamboyance, lots of chit chat chatter and having fun. I really think she will be an amazing stylist~

So my baby girl has decided on something of a career~ it gives her a reason to actually go to high school and graduate. We did a little research on the internet and she figured out that an education really does help even a beautician and that she can go further wth just that high school diploma. Before she was really thinking that a diploma didn't matter because she didn't see herself doing any of the things her father expected her to do,

Oh yeah and I have a nice little hair cut~

Well I better get back to sleep~ long day tomorrow of getting things done for our move! Oh yeah and Trick or Treating on Saturday and wow~ a busy busy weekend!

I have had a very stress filled couple of days with the baby having the flu. I was so worried about him. Luckily this afternoon he is showing signs of improvement. He isn't 100% just yet, still has the sniffles and a cough, but he has some energy, has been playing a bit and seems to be doing so much better.

We'll see as evening comes if he gets sicker with night fall or stays about the same as he is now. That will tell me how close to over this we really are.

He has needed to be held almost the entire time the last 3 days or he is fussing and crying. It has limited what I could do around the house significantly. Although I am pretty adept at getting things done with him in my arms, now that he is 22 pounds it is getting a little harder to do things and hold him.

It was rather interesting, as I sat holding him this morning, thinking of needing to wash dishes, I remembered something my little mans sperm donor said to me way back when Allen was just a few weeks old. He told me then that I needed to let him just lay down without me holding him once in a while~ I told him basically to kiss off, that I was holding him as much as I could as often as I could. I did say it a little nicer at the time but you know what I mean...

The random thought of how lucky I am, that my son is totally comforted just by my holding him came about. That man wanted me to not hold the baby so much, for whatever reason he had, I ignored hiom and now... I have an independent little guy who loves to play and do on his own but also who is comforted best by Mommy's arms.

It is pretty cool~ God knows what He is doing. Even when we are horribly confused at what is going on around us, to us, He KNOWS and it is all working out exactly the way it needs to.

The bestest thing I came to realize while my little guy has been sick~ although I have wanted a partner to share my life with and prayed for it~ I have the most magnificent partner in the world! I have GOD! He is there to comfort me when I need it, Hold me UP when I am exhausted, give me direction when I am not sure which way to go, He is always there, never lets me down, and why do I need an earthly man when I got GOD?

So as I sat whatching my Allen play with his little car on the floor, I realized that Allen doesn't need a "man" to be his father/daddy. Especially considering the sperm donor he has and the evil he would learn from him... Allen has a father... a Father in Heaven...

It is rather interesting because my Elizabeth tells everyone she has 3 daddy's~ she has her Belly Button Daddy~ he is very special to her, then she has her brother's sperm donor that she calls "daddy" and finally she has God. She includes God always as her daddy. I can remember back when that came about...

She was just about 3 years old~ she wanted a Daddy. She had a list~ her "new" daddy had to love fishing, camping, trucks and motorcycles. He also had to be nice and not spank her and only make her stand in the corner if she were bad. And finally he had to tuck her into bed at night and hear her prayers. (I should have listened to her list and compared it to Goober. I would have ran the other direction since he couldn't/wouldn't do any of the things she wanted other than liking trucks.)

Anyway~ that was her list. So I told her that she should talk to God about it. Take her list to Him and tell him what she wanted because it really was God's decision. It got us into a discussion about God, yes when she was only 3. We talked about how God is the Father over ALL of us. We talked about the things He does that are like a father on earth does.

Elizabeth decided that God was a great Father to have and she was OK with that, but she still wanted one here on earth to do all the stuff like fishing and riding motorcycles with her and tucking her in bed at night.

I got to thinking... all those things she wanted a Daddy for... I can do. I DO! I have done with/for her. And for the few things that a man is really needed for, I have plenty of male friends who can step in and help out. Same goes for Allen...

It is stupid to sit here now and think of all the hours I sat wondering WHY I couldn't meet a man that would be just right for me and the kids... because I don't need one... all I need is my faith in GOD and trusting Him.

Serious Stuff & Stupid Stuff

My little guy has H1N1~ he is a very sick little guy. He has the coughing, sniffling, sneezing, achy, fever won't let Mommy rest stuff. I am really worried about him. He started yesterday with just a little snuffle~ I figured maybe seasonal allergies or maybe a cold. Then around bedtime he started running a fever~

He was fussy all night long. A dose of tylenol helped for a little while, but before the next dose was due his fever was back up and he was crying again. Finally this afternoon when he just seemed to be getting worse I took him to the hospital. Doctor looked him over, ran some tests, made out a few prescriptions...

I feel so helpless as a Mom~ my baby is so sick and all I can do is watch and hope the medicines work. When he is coughing and I can see it hurts him to do it... I can't do anything but hold him until he has finished.

As I was bundeling him up to leave the hospital this evening, I had this rather random thought about his sperm donor go through my head...

My last visit to the hospital was February 3, 2009... the day my Mom passed away.

That month, from January 3rd when my son was born until February 3rd when my Mom passed away I spent way to much time in hospitals. My son's sperm donor was there along side me at the birth of our son, when my Mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital when my baby was just 3 days old he was there, when our son got sick with jaundice, his sperm donor was there... the day my Mom died~ he was there.

So he wasn't there today, when I had to take my son to the hospital. The first time I had been to the hospital since February 3rd.

It wasn't exactly resentment... but sort of? I felt cheated...

First this asshole had inserted himself into parts of my life that forever changed my life. The birth of my son and the loss of my Mom were both HUGE things in my life and stupid was there and a big part of both of those events. He inserted himself and it was all lies... him saying he loved me, loved our son, loved my Mom... all lies.

Todays trip to the ER with the baby triggered the feelings of betrayal by this man. While we were in the ER I was too worried about the baby to think about any of this. It was only once my baby had been ssen and I was taking him home that all this hit...

I realized this evening, the effects that this mans lies and actions will have on my life are going to be ongoing. It isn't going to be a deal with it, get over it, move on. It is going to be deal with bits and pieces here and there, get over it, move on and then have another issue come up deal with it in bits and pieces, get over it, and move on...

And I have to deal with being a single parent to my son for the rest of his life... to know that I will never have his father around to help walk the floor when the baby is crying because he is sick, when he needs to be rocked and cuddled because he feels miserable... it is all on me.

All because this man is a deviant who finds baby girls objects of sexual stimulation... evil... the man is just evil. It is so vile and my family has been so devistated by it...

Today it became evident to me that the repercussions of this mans actions on my life and the life of my children is going to be long reaching.

Now I am going to go snuggle my sick little guy and let him know Mommy loves him and will always be here for him...

Dr Suess

Just wanted to share this since a friend of mine thought to share it with me today...

Congratulations!

Today is your day,

You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

You're on your own.

And you know what you know.

And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets.

Look 'em over with care.

About some you will say,

"I don't choose to go there."

With your head full of brains, and your shoes full of feet,

you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any

you'll want to go down.

In that case, of course,

you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener therein the wide open air.

Out there things can happen

and frequently do to people as brainyand footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,don't worry.

Don't stew.Just go right along.

You'll start happening too.

OH!THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sites! You'll join the high fliers!

who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.

You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to says sobut, sadly, it's true

that Bang-ups

and Hang-ups

can happen to you

You can get all hung up

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lunch

wuth an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted.

But mostly they're dark.

A place that could sprain both elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose?

How much can you win?

And IF you should go in,

should you turn left or right...or right-and-three-quaters?

Or maybe not quite?

Or go around and back and sneak from behind?

Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,

for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you'll start in to race

down long and wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most usless placeThe Waiting Place......

for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or a No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You'll find the bright places

where boom bands are playing.

Oh, the places you'll go!

There is fun to be done!

There are points to be scored.

There are games to be won.

And the magical things you can do with that ball

will make you the winning-est winner of all.

Fame!

You'll be famous as famous can be,

with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.

Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too

.Games you can't win'

cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not.

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, theres a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go

though the whether be foul.

On you will go

though your enemies prowl.

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl.

Onward up manya frightening creek,

though you arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.

And I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up of course,

as you already know.

You'll get mixed up

with many stray birds as you go.

So be sure when you step.

Step with care and great tactand remember that Life's

a Great Balancing Act.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.

And never mix up your right foot with you left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will indeed!(98 and 3/4 percent garanteed!)

KID YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray

or Mordecai Ali Van Alenn O'Shea

you're off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So... get on your way!

A most wonderful Thursday to you dear readers! It is a beautiful day and I am so excited about the whole day ahead!

It is going to be a most marvelous day! I have plans for this wonderful fall day! The weather is suppose to be a nice warm 70 something~ so it is a day out and about!

I looked at a house yesterday~ it turned out to be a little on the small side and the cost for space... well anyway... It was a step in the right direction anyway. I am on the way to a new abode!

Today I am going to look at a couple of other places... a little prayer going up for the perfect place for my babies to grow up in. I am hoping that we can find a place that we can all be happy in. Space enough for all of us, room to run and play, a nice yard... we wait and see what it is that God has in store for us. I am confident that the most perfect house is out there just waiting for us to find it.

So it is time for us to head out the door~ breakfast with Kay first, then to look at house #1 at noon, then WalMart for a birthday gift for my little bear's friend, then off to see house #2 at two and then pick little bear up from school and take her to the birthday party. Whew... busy day!

Sending everyone warm wishes for a grand day! Be well and take care!

Happy Birthday Bob

Today is my Ex-Husbands biological birthday and his recovery birthday....

He is 60 years old today... where has the last 21 years gone? Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.

Anyway, this year he has a lot to celebrate~ he has found the person who will be wife #5, he seems to be happy, he is living at the ocean and enjoying his life. I hope he has a beautiful day.

And here we are...

What a WEEKEND! Can't believe it is only Saturday evening! We have been on the fly since Friday morning~ it has been an amazing and fun weekend so far (still have more of the weekend left to have fun!)

Friday morning it was Pathways last big outdoor hurrah~ a goodbye summer hello fall party at Riverside Park. We went on a nature hike, made great little collages with the leaves and stuff we gathered on our walk, ate pizza, and just had a lot of fun~ nothing like having a bunch of little guys all together having fun at the park! My grandson was there along with my Joshua so it was a lot of family fun along with fun of the others there too.

Friday afternoon, I had to wander up to the courthouse to take care of some matters~ the kiddos and I walked up there~ what a wonderful walk we had! The weather was PERFECT, the colors of fall were amazing, we sang and danced our way uptown...

Took care of the business part of our adventure, then we took a photo op at the old county jail~ way cute pics of my babies there... then we went to the Susanville Cemetary~ this was totally an amazing little adventure. I know we are a bit odd to take an adventure through a cemetary~ but it is something my little bear and I have done a couple of times now. We walk around and look at the headstones, check out the artwork on some of them, see the dates on them and freshen up a few graves here and there that need it.

While we are at the Susanville Cemetary we saw headstones with dates from the 1860's... 150 year old headstones... totally amazing. There are also some old wooden headstones there... I stood there in that cemetary, my heart full of joy, at the love families showed their family members and sad too... because there were these monster sized pieces of granite and marble etched with loved ones names, small fortunes spent on these memorials, and there in one corner were 4 little wooden headstones, lovingly handmade by someone who wanted to mark the people they loved grave sites.

Well after our sojourn through the cemetary we grabbed the Bizz Johnson Trail at Miller Road... I am telling you, the walk down the trail was so delightful! The fall colors were everywhere, there was the waterfall, the river, the bridge... we walked from the Miller Road TrailHead back to the Richmond Road TrailHead. From Richmond Road we walked towards home~ decided that instead of home we would go to the park again!

And off we went to the park~ Elizabeth played hard. Allen had fun too playing on the slide and then crawling around in the grass. All of a sudden, after we had been playing for a while, we noticed it was cooling off... Fall... the sun starts to settle down and the temperature starts to plummet. The park was a lot of fun and then we headed home as the sun was setting.

So we woke up Saturday~ sat here talking about what we should do today~ we decided a trip to the library and a picnic at the park...

I packed some peanut butter and jelly sammiches, some gogurts, crackers, and other snack stuff and some water and we were on our way.

The library was great fun~ it has been a long time since we went and spent time there. The kids played in the children's corner, we read a couple of stories, found a couple of books to check out and then we were on our way...

Memorial Park was a busy place today! One would think it was the middle of summer instead of the middle of October. We found ourselves a bit of grass where we spread our blanket and settled down to eat our little picnic. Then Elizabeth got and played while Allen had a bit of a nap. Once he woke up he went and played too.

We played and played and played and finally settled down on our blanket again~ we sat there talking and decided that we should wander over to the museum and see if they were open...

It was OPEN! How fun and exciting! We wandered around and looked at the cool stuff they had, talked about some of the neat things that they had in there, and visited with the guy who was there. Elizabeth found out the man running the museum today went to school with her Dad. She thought that was very cool. He showed her pictures of the old High School and the picture of when it was brought down to make room for the new high school (if 40+ years is new?)

We had tons of fun at the museum and then decided to go back to the park...

The kids and I walked back to the park~ we played along the river, rolled in leaves, and swung and slid on the slide and really just had a ton fun! We played until we were to tired to play anymore and then home we traveled...

Elizabeth and I made biscuits and some stew and settled down to eat our dinner and both fell asleep... it was a nice long good day.

Some Sadness Tonight

This evening a friend of mine stopped by for a short visit...

He has a saughter who is 2 and a son who is a about 7 months old, babies he hasn't got to see in just over a month. Not because he has done anything wrong, not because he is a bad father, or even a rotten partner... he hasn't seen his kids because Mom decided that she was "over" him and moved out of his house with the kids.

I sat here talking to him tonight, his eyes kept filling with tears at not getting to see his kids. He told me how he will wake up at 5:30am and get up and go to the baby's room before he remembers they are gone. He was telling me that he worries about both Mom and the babies and feels so helpless and hopeless. He wonders how they are and wants so bad to see them but Mom is refusing to tell him where she is and has told him that she will tell him where she is when she feels like it. He can't even file anything with the court because he can't have her served.

I sat there feeling so sad for him. Here is a dad who has tried so hard, he took care of his family, was home every day right after work, didn't go out partying or hanging with the "boys". He went home to his family. He took care of them. Mom has never had to work, he has supported them. He showed me the letter that she left him... in it she says he was a good man, a good father, etc... she said in it that she just didn't love him and couldn't live with him anymore. She said in her letter that she would contact him in a few months to let him see the kids and that he needed to give her space so that she could bond with HER children. She also told him that she had emptied their bank account to move out and to not contact her parents because they wouldn't tell him anything.

As I read the letter, saw the pain in my friends face, I was filled with anger...

All I could think was how my son's father had me served with court papers for custody back last March. It brought all the anger and resentment to the surface over that whole crap. The man KNEW what he had done to violate my daughter, to violate other children, and he sued me for custody and visitation. Yet...

When we got to mediation, he caved. I think back now and I know why. It was because he knew that if his wife were brought into any of it she would give him up knowing what she did about him. So when I said that I wanted her to have NOTHING to do with our son, he quickly agreed to a no contact clause in our custody orders. When I said I wasn't comfortable letting him take the baby away from me even for short visits, he agreed to the visits being in my home... not because he wanted to I am sure, it was to keep people from digging to much into his life and finding out what was really going on.

Here was an evil vile man who had NEVER, not even 1 time, been denied seeing his son. He had open access. Yet he filed against me... in comparison there is this truly good father who is being denied his children by an evil vile woman. The world we live in is so distorted.

Things like hearing an FBI agent tell me that pictures with a child in their underwear is not pornography or illegal~ no matter the positions the child is posed in made me angry. A little girl was violated but because the photographs are of a child with underwear on it is ok in the eyes of the law...

A sick evil vile world... where wives protect their husbands from their depravity being discovered... and then expect forgiveness for it because they profess some love of GOD... where that same wife wants to have contact with her husbands illegitamate child, even after he has cheated on her to concieve the child because she has forgiven him for his actions...

A very strange and twisted world without a doubt.

After my friend left and I was sitting here sort of processing all of these thoughts...

I cried

I thought about how my choices hurt my babies so very much. All of my children were hurt by this man's involvement in our lives. I can't blame him. I made the choices. All I had to do was say go away... and KEPT saying it when he kept coming back. But I didn't and so the children suffer the consequences and I have to live with that as my reality. That it is my fault the children have been hurt the way they have because I allowed the man to be part of our lives.

For the rest of my life I will have to watch my son go through life wondering about his father. He will never know what it is to be loved by a daddy~ he will never know what it is like to have daddy tuck him in~ he will never know anything about what having a dad in his life really is all about. It sucks... Had I just STUCK to the no contact way back in February 2008... instead of listening to his bullshit lies, instead of letting him back into our lives... although other children may have been hurt... it wouldn't have been my children hurt.

I know I cannot change the past~ a friend of mine said that part of forgiveness is moving on into the future~ I know I need to forgive myself for this and let go of the anger and resentment at myself for the mistakes I made with this man in my life.

In about 5 minutes it will be his birthday... Do I tell my son about it? Do I tell him his Daddy's birthday is today? Is his birthday something to celebrate or something to mourn? Like I know if he hadn't been born it would have changed a great many lives in radical ways... but then if he hadn't been born... my children wouldn't be dealing with this violation he did in our lives. I wouldn't have my son... and I don't want to change having him and to change his parnetage would change who my little guy is... I don't know... maybe in the next few years I will come to some sort of peace about all this to be able to give my son something that is encouraging instead of the wishing the man had never been born and mourning this day instead of it being a celebration...

My Amazing Life

I am sitting here tonight, in awe of the wonders GOD does in our lives. The music and words to Michael W. Smith's song keeps going through my mind...

Our God(our God) is an awesome God

He reigns from heaven above

With wisdom with wisdom pow'r and love

our God is an awesome God

As I sit here tonight, I am so full of the love God has given me in my life... My family is so amazing. God has given me a well of LOVE to refill my spirit in. Through HIM, He has given me my family and what an amazing well of love they are.

I had an opportunity to talk to a friend earlier~ we talked about family and how they really are a gift from GOD. Friends too. I told her, I really am at a loss for words to truly explain just how touched by GOD I feel right now.

It is as if all the hell I have been through this last year has been to bring me here to this place in time and make me the happiest I have ever been in my life...

Happy in a way that is beyond words... All the effort I put into happy thoughts, as I was talking to my friend today... I realized something. Thinking happy thoughts is important, GOD tells us to take every thought capative and to meditate on the good things... So certainly it is right to think the positive happy thoughts. I know I will keep doing that~ but this happiness that I am feeling right now... it is as if GOD has just reached down and touched me, wrapped me in HIS arms, and is taking care of me, loving me, and creating the perfect life for me... it may not be perfect for other people... but for me it is perfect.

Life is good right now. In fact as I was talking with my friend, I was telling her that there were a couple of things going on in my life that I feel like I should be anxious about... yet... oddly I am at peace with those things. I am not feeling any anxiety. Just a peace and happiness.

My life is amazing~ I truly believe that all the negative things that have happened in the last year, all those things that were meant to hurt me, that could have brought me to the end of my rope... they just made me stronger, made my walk with GOD stronger, brought me to this place where I am... a place that is really just comfortable and have me feeling as if all is good...

A weel ago today, I bumped into my son's father's wife... I really just wanted to tell the woman to leave me and my family alone. I held my tounge because her daughter was standing there and I would never do anything to harm that child. The woman asked to touch my son... I let her. My older son then came along and broke up the little encounter.

As I walked away from the encounter, I made two very definate discoveries... GOD spoke to me through that still small voice...

First I became aware that this woman has no problem using other people to reach her own goals. I have told her time after time to leave me and my family alone. I have been straight forward and blunt about it. I have nothing to say to her and want nothing to do with her. Yet, even with this knowledge, she used the fact that her daughter was there to get close to my son.

She is a user of people...

She may have a relationship with GOD. I actually do not doubt at all that she does. However, she is still bound by the flesh. The message I got from the Holy Spirit was to avoid this person. She is not a person that I can allow to be part of my life. I wondered if perhaps I was projecting how I feel onto what I was hearing... so I went to GOD in prayer to ask for something to show me...

It came to me through the most unusual way... I was sitting on my porch when a neighbor stopped by on his way to the garbage cans... He said Hi, I said Hi, he then asked if my little guy was Goober's baby. I said that yeah he was. He told me that I needed to be careful because his exact words "That kook of a wife of his is going to make your life miserable. She is telling everyone that you lied about who the baby's daddy is. She is friggin crazy that you had that baby."

My answer was simple, I want nothing to do with either of them. As far as I am concerned my son has only one father and that isn't the man who donated his sperm. So then he said why am I talking to him...

WHAT????

It was at that point that I realized the Holy Spirit was speaking to me when I heard not to allow that woman to be part of my life.

I have not spoken to that man AT ALL since the morning of his arrest. When he left my house that morning, it was the last time I spoke to him. I have not talked to him on the phone, I have not written him, I have not sent messages to him, nothing... Everyone who knows me knows how I feel and so the only place that a rumor like that would come from is the psycho wife...

Not having any relationship with either of them really is direction from GOD and I know that I must listen to HIM and not have anything to do with them.

I am a little sad about it, since to keep either of them out of my life it means that their daughter will also have to be kept out of my life. She will miss the connection with her baby brother. But then, perhaps GOD has a reason for this. That child has a lot to deal with in her life. Perhaps being faced with a relationship with her brother (and with me because of his age) would be more than she can handle at this point in her life.

All of this goes back to the feelings of happiness I am having... It is because when all that happened last week, I released, truly released any feelings like I needed to do more in the forgiveness process towards these two. I am not hanging on to resentment, I do not wish either of them harm... I just want absolutely NOTHING to do with them.

Getting to that point~ removing from my thoughts the idea that I wasn't doing what GOD wanted~ knowing that I am in agreement with what GOD wants for me right now~ it was at that moment that I found this new happiness...

Jesus's yolk is so much lighter than the one I was lugging around...

Our God(our God) is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom with wisdom pow'r and love
our God is an awesome God

WHAT A WEEKEND!

First of all, this weekend was so much FUN! The kids and I spent it involved in all sorts of activities. It was a bit on the cold side~ a definite change from last weekend. The cold snap was sort of unexpected. Well not exactly unexpected, the level of cold that we experienced was the unexpected thing. It is without a doubt Autumn.

This weekend marks the end of most of our outdoor activities until it actually snows. I am sad. As much as I dislike heat, we have had SO much fun all summer going all over the place just enjoying the great outdoors. It will be sort of a let down to have to take our activities indoors. I know there are tons of things that we will be doing that will be fun too...

As I sat here thinking about it, I realized something about myself. A little something that I have known for a long time but really hit home while I was thinking about this season change...

I am not fond of change. Even when the change is wanted and looked forward to, I resist, hold on to the old, all to try and stop the change. It is something that I know I need to work on...

Back to this weekend~ we really did have a wonderful weekend. We started with waking up Saturday morning~ I was reluctant to wake up. I wanted to sleep in. But my little bear was insistent that it was time to wake up and get the day going~ we had plans!

Although my little bears birthday is actually on Monday October 5th, the year she was born, she was born on Saturday October 5th. The first Saturday of October in our little community is the Rails to Trails Festival. I remember this because that Saturday, when my little bear was born, our doctor left the hospital for a bit to go participate in the Hand Cart Race at the Festival.

So for the anniversary of this wonderful Saturday in our life, the kids and I headed off to the Festival. What FUN! My little bear was able to ride a hand cart as a sort of memorial for the day she was born. Other than it was a bit on the cold side, it really really was so much fun! There was the chili cook off, shredded meat sammich's from the Deli that my baby boy's Sissy works at, lots of vendors with all sorts of fun wares~ we ate, shopped, and spent the day having fun.

After the Festival we were off to the house to warm up! Snuggles and cuddles and we were ready to head back out for an evening of fun!

And so with a spring in our step we were off...

Off to dinner with a good friend~ good food, good company, good conversation and one would think the day was wrapped up... but we still had fun ahead of us!

Back home again and I was babysitting. Having the other kids in the house was a lot of fun. They played hard, watched Harry Potter on tv and were awake still at 11pm! Not a big deal~ although it was starting to be since they were getting a little whiny. But just as I was thinking it might get out of hand, other mother came and picked up her little ones and my babies were sleeping soundly in a matter of minutes after they left.

When my alarm went off at 7 this morning... I grumbled. I really could have used another hour or so of sleep. But my little bear~ she wanted to go to church and there was no way she was going to let me sleep in. So we were up and showers and baths and dressed and ready to go to church.

I must say I am so very blessed to have this child in my life~ this child who ensures that I am doing the things I need to be doing even when I am reluctant to do it. She is an amazing little girl and I am ever so grateful to GOD for giving her to me.

We went to church and then after church it was home~ we did a little housekeeping and then it was off again~ Today was LifeChain (http://www.lifechain.net/) and my babies and I went out to participate. My heart grieves at the number of children who never get to live because they are the victim of abortion. I know in my heart, that if abortion laws were different... well GOD would be blessing more people.

While I believe that every person must come to terms with the choice they make to kill one of GOD's unborn children, I also believe that GOD provides so many alternatives to women for the child to be born...

Anyway... we participated until my little ones were feeling the cold and I had to take them indoors to warm up. My little bear was very insightful when we went inside to warm up~ she told me that she liked standing with the signs. I asked her why, and her reply was "Well Mommy, maybe someone saw it and will have their baby and let someone adopt it" I told her that that is what we were hoping. She then said "What happens to someone who kills a baby?" I told her it depended on when they killed it.

I told her that the law lets people kill babies if they are still in their Mommy's tummy and couldn't live if they born then. But that once a baby is born then it is illegal and the person would go to jail. She says "That's a stupid law. Babies are special even when they are in their Mommy's tummy."

My little bear really gets it. I am so proud of her.

After this we were off again~ my little bear, for her birthday wanted her ears pierced. So we were off to WalMart to get them done. She picked her earrings and got her ears pierced for her birthday. My baby girl is growing up...

After our excursion, we went and got some dinner and then finally at 7pm we were back home... our weekend was over. What a wonderful weekend we had.