looking at my sins

A rather interesting experience occured this last few days~

I have been in the process of looking at my sins, my transgressions, and talking to God and a friend about them~

One of the things my friend was telling me, that really hit home and made this process so much easier in one aspect...

Sharon was telling me how it has been her experience that as a woman, we often get caught up in a cycle of shame. We did something "shameful"~ my friend used the woman at the well for her expample~ the woman had been married 5 times and was just living with the man she was with at the time she encountered Christ at the well. So in her time, having married and divorced and remarried was shameful~ yet this woman before Jesus told the truth, that she had no husband. Jesus comended her for being truthful and did not shame her for living with a man. He offered her salvation.

Sharon tells me that God wants us to be like that woman, sure we may do something "shameful" but if we come to God with honesty then, well He offers us His grace and forgiveness.

As we talked, I told my friend that the so called "big" sins really aren't that difficult for me to confess to or even talk about with other people. I look at the 10 commandements and I know with regret that I have broken every single one of them and some in BIG ways. What I find harder, is the "little" sins...

Does saying "Sorry someone is on the other line, can I call you later?" to get out of a phone call count? I was told NOT to lump sins into a pile to break them down. But I do not think I could even recall all those "little" lies. Also, as I was talking to Sharon, I wanted to know~ if we have told a lie, say for instance "I enjoyed our visit" (even though the person annoyed you) how do you address it when talking to God?

After talking with my friend about this` I think we came to a concencius... If you can recall specific incidents, you use the specific incident. Then "lump" it with something along the lines of "Father, I know there are other sins of this nature that I have commited that I am not remembering right now." It isn't being honest with yourself or God if you do a lumping when there are other incidents you do remember so be careful...

I loved the way my friend went about telling me how she went through this process~ she said it was like cleaning a house that hadn't been cleaned in a really long time. She said that when you first start, it is easy because there is trash and stuff all over, OBVIOUS stuff that needs to be dealt with. Then as you clear that stuff, maybe there is still dirt, dust, spider webs and so on that need to be dealt with. A little harder to see but still pretty in your face. Then as you get through that... there is the hidden sins/stuff. The stuff you have stuffed in closets and drawers. Maybe even stuffed in boxes before sticking it in the closet. This takes a while to get through. And then finally it is the detail cleaning that needs to be done. Cleaning windows and sills, baseboards, light switches, things like that.

She shared how for her, when she started doing the closet sins, she had to go to God and say "Father, there is this closet in my life that is really a mess, even acknowledging it scares me, I can't clean this up by myself Lord." She told me how she felt God speak to her and tell her it would be ok and she was able to tackle those sins because God was holding her hand through it.

I really related to her analogy, since messy houses are something I have had to struggle with in the past. I know what has to be done to get a house clean, really clean, so I was able to transfer her analogy to my sins. The very obvious being things like my affair with a married man. The still obvious but under that first layer would be things like having lied or gossiped. Then there is the closet sins...

These are the ones that we have justified (lying to not hurt someone we care about), hidden from others to protect ourselves (ever lie on a tax form?), or are afraid of admitting to (ever done something that hurt someone else but they didn't know you did it?).

Then the detail cleaning~ stole a pen? not returned money when given too much change? ate grapes standing in the produce section of the store? called someone a name? ran a red light? You know the idea... those so called "little" sins. Ever over eaten (gluttony?) Got angry and yelled at someone? (anger/wrath) Looked at a man like say Dwayne Johnson and went Ohhlala? (lust)... we don't think of these "little" things as sin or realize the damage that the little sins can do in our lives.That is why we want to do the housekeeping and address them as much as the "big" sins.

Finally for me, as I was looking at all of this~ I realized that repentance is not just about admitting it, not just about not doing it any more... Repentance is a matter of the heart. Certainly we need to confess our sin. To ourselves and to God. We must also turn away from the sin. Yet there are those sins, being human that we may repeat again. So we repeat the repentance.

I am really making some progress on all of this and already I am feeling closer to God than I have in sometime. I can feel the yolk of carrying my load coming off. I know I have a long ways to go still and I will also have DAILY work to do. But I am well on my way and I sure can tell the difference!

For me the biggest thing I can see I need to do through this process is to avoid JUSTIFYING actions. To just accept the responsibility for what I did and not make excuses for it. To just be honest with myself and with God. In the situations where my heart was in the right place but I made wrong choices, well then God will know it without my having to say anything.