Letting it all out...

As I told her, I feel abandoned, I feel alone, I am frightened, scared, feeling as if I am being punished. I am angry ~ I am angry at my Mom for dying, I am angry at God for taking her. I know that Mom had no control over living or dying and that God didn't take her just to get to me in some way. I know it on an intellectual level~ but my heart hurts and I am angry that I hurt. I am REALLY angry with my son's father and with his wife. There is just this HUGE amount of violation felt. I feel stupid for allowing this man to be part of my life again. I sit sometimes and wonder if myMom being taken from me was because I allowed this man to be part of my life.

I thought about how David was punished by God when his son died. Is that what God is doing to me because I had this affair? Except instead of taking my son, he took my Mom. The only person on earth who had been solid as a rock for me through everything life threw at me. I wonder if I think too long about it.

Then there is this feeling of fear and anxiety for the future.

I think about the profound effect that the loss of their Grandmother is having on my children. For my Elizabeth, Grandma was like a parent. Grandma was there from the day she was born there for her everyday. Through everything. Grandma did things with her that Mommy didn't do. Grandma listened to her ramble on about silly little things. Grandma let her love on all the crtters that we wouldn't have had if Grandma hadn't been there. Then there is Katie. Grandma had been there for her since the day she was born too. Although their relationship had become a little more strained in recent months, there still was a closeness. Of course for Katie along with losing her Grandma she lost her beloved Aunt too just a few months earlier. How horrible for these babies to go through this. If I think about it too long I get so upset that they are suffering so much from the loss.

Then there is what that evil man did to them. When the investigator showed me the evidence that they had proving the allegiations ~ I could NOT allow myself to feel anything right then because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt if I let it out it would be something I would regret for the rest of my life.

And so I sat, stoically in the chair across from the interviewer, blinking back the tears, sucking it up, and going on with the interview. Until tonight, I just could not allow myself to feel anything besides anger and repulsion.

However tied up in it all is this very real violation of trust, there is this feeling of guilt, a feeling of humiliation, just an array of feelings related to having the trust I had placed in this man so horrendously violated. And then I think... well gee, look at all he did to violate the trust of the relationship between him and I and why didn't I see that as the red flag that he could be capable of something worse?

Now that I have started to date again after almost a year~ I question my ability to pick a man who won't harm my family. I had an experience with that just the other night. This man who has been friendly asked me if I liked romantic comedies. I caught that he was getting ready to ask me to go to the movies with him. Now he seems like a nice guy~ but then so did my son's father. I found myself having these really rapid thoughts... thoughts of how to push this guy away and not expose myself to the chance that he might hurt my family.

At the same time there was this self talk going on, reminding me that not every man is evil...

Because I was having something of an anxiety attack at the moment I made a quick excuse that the baby needed a diaper change and escaped any further questioning or chance that he would ask me out at that moment.

And so this is my life ~ if I am not hiding my feelings, I am overwhelmed by them. Tonight I allowed them to just flow~ I didn't try to stop them. Just let them come and be... I also didn't sit and dwell on them for too long.

But now back to what happened today with the peace and with the OCD show...

When I got to talking with my friend and poured out all these feelings... that peace I had at church today came to me again. Then the words of the man who said we need to let go of "normal" and then the words of the lady who said the compulsive behaviors were a way to NOT feel... it all sort of fit together like a puzzle and I saw the picture that had been hiding.

It is a peaceful puzzle~ a beautiful and amazing picture of hope and inspiration. I can see that my feelings do not need to be feared because that peace that surpasses all understanding is there for me. All I have to do is stop doing things the way I "normally" do, stop the compulsive control over my emotions, and let God have control.

One final thing that came to me as we sat with our coffee~

We talked a bit about forgiveness... this is really tough for me right now. My friend pointed out that forgiveness does not mean absolving the person of their guilt. She told me that right now, if I presented myself as forgiving she would be worried. I asked her why. She told me that until I knew WHAT I was forgiving, there wouldn't be true forgiveness.

I think for the first time I had insight into God's forgiveness of our sin. Like I knew that our sins are forgiven when we accept Jesus as our Savior and I knew that if we sin after that all we need to do is ask and forgiveness is given. But what happened tonight~ my friend said to me "How is the sin against you greater than any sin you have done against God's word?" I sat there... a bit dumbfounded... because I do not believe there are "degrees" of sin. A sin is a sin is a sin... stealing a pen is as great as stealing a car, having thoughts of adultry as great as physically acting on it... and so my sins are great. Certainly I have sinned against God MUCH more than I have been sinned against.

So God forgives us our sins HOWEVER, he only does it when we go to HIM and ask and then after asking change our ways. HE doesn't just say "Hey you, yeah you over there, I have decided to forgive you today". Nope... that isn't HIS way.

HE has offered up forgiveness to ANYONE who wants it. HE has a heart of forgiveness. We are to have a heart of forgiveness and forgive anyone who sins against us. Does that mean we say "Hey you, yeah you over there, I have decided to forgive you today". Nope...

As my friend and I sat talking, it came to me (thanks to her thought provoking nudges)... BEFORE I can find the heart of forgiveness I need to cleanse my heart. I need to get right with GOD and make things right between HIM and I. Tonight, when I was going over all of this... it dawned on me... the people I am holding resentments against have to find their own forgiveness and make themselves right with GOD and if they chose with me. That isn't my job. I do not have to forgive them for their sins against me unless they seek it.

As we talked, I realized that what I need to do... where I am STUCK... I need to ask GOD to remove from my heart the anger and resentment I am feeling. I need to ask GOD to forgive me for the feelings of anger and resentment. I need to thank GOD for guiding me against retaliating against these people and making my sin even greater. I need to ask for forgiveness for having the thoughts of revenge. And then...

Once I have got right with GOD in my heart with all of this stuff that I have felt and done... then I can address what ever it is I need to address with these others. If indeed there is anything.

OK so there are some things without a doubt that I will need to handle in regards to these people. Again, until I handle MY sinfull nature, what they have done really doesn't matter. And I think I had some breakthrough tonight with realizing that once I do work through this stuff with GOD, what they did isn't going to matter. Because... and look at this thing I discovered:

If I am able to go to GOD, ask forgiveness for the anger and resentment, turn my back on that sin, then forgiveness will not have to be given to these people because I will have no ill feelings towards them anyway...

I don't know if at almost 3am I am actually getting that out right... but I know what I mean and it is PROFOUND to me that I grasped the concept and feel able to move onwards.