I am sitting here tonight once more in shock and wondering what God is really doing in my life.

A bout of nausea that had occured rather randomly had me thinking maybe I had the flu. Then a friend commented that my face was getting pudgy...

My mind was screaming that this could NOT be possible...

I will be calling the doctors office on Monday~

This situation has me feeling more overwhelmed than anything that has happened so far in this horrible year.

I am already faced with raising 1 child alone with no emotional or financial support~ but another one?

I look at my son, laying here in my arms...

When I looked at that test earlier~ 2 lines~ I burst into tears. Today I had the most gut wrenching cry of 2009.

I know with all my heart that God has a reason for this... I don't pretend to understand it. I also know that at this moment I don't have joy in my heart~ All I can do is make the appointment with my OB and ask God to forgive my prayer from when I first realized this was real... And to turn it over to God knowing that it will be HIS will that will be done...

I will need to start preparing for the arrival of a new little bear sometime in February 2010....

And God willing~ this baby will be a girl I can name after my Mother who I miss soooo much~