Forgiveness... what does it really mean?

I decided today to take a closer look at forgiveness and why I seem to have such an issue with it.

First I looked at what emotional stuff happened inside me when I thought about forgiveness... apprehension and anxiety... ok this is not what "forgiveness" is suppose to illicit from us. Forgiveness is suppose to bring us peace.

So I thought about peace a little. I thought about people in my life that I am peaceful with. Thought about if I had some grievance against them at some point in the past. If I did, how did I go about forgiving them so that we continued the relationship and I had peaceful feelings towards the person.

At that point I started thinking about the degrees of hurt and resentment I had experienced in the past with people that I have a peaceful relationship with. There are at least two of these relationships that wounded me down to the very core level. So I thought... How was it that I have been able to forgive them and not others?

I had a HUGE breakthrough at that point.

Why does "Forgiveness" cause me anxiety? Why do I get apprehensive if I am put in a position where I feel that I am having to forgive someone and it is not coming easy?

Ahhhh... it goes back to some childhood teachings. I can remember the "Turn your other cheek" bible lessons, the "Forgive 7 times 70" bible lesson, the wiping away of all sin when God forgives lessons. Somewhere along the way I have tied forgiveness to leaving yourself open for more injury.

This took me into thinking again back to the people who I am able to have a peaceful relationship with, even though I have been hurt at some point~ maybe even multiple times~ in the relationship. How is it that I don't have the fear and anxiety with them?

As I sat, really trying to figure out this barrier I am facing with forgiveness, my thoughts wandered around at possible sources.

Then I finally GOT it...

The people in my life that I have found it difficult to forgive are people who have not just hurt me once or twice, there are multiple offenses. Additionally along with the multiple offenses there has been no showing of remorse or acknowledgement of the hurt the person caused. In fact, as I looked at this closely, I realized that not only did they not acknowledge it but have blamed other people for making them cause the hurt. So in away, in addition to the original thing that caused injury, the injure again by blaming someone else for their action (or inaction).

So the way I was taught forgiveness, that you forgave, forgot and reconciled is dangerous emotionally and even physically with some people.

I went and read some different things on forgiveness. There are a TON of different views on this. Unconditional forgiveness, conditional forgiveness, is forgiveness equal to reconciliation?

In my reading I made two discoveries that really gave me a new understanding and I guess new belief about forgiveness. The first thing that I read in several different articles is that forgiveness is about letting go of anger, resentment, a desire to get even. It releases the negative emotions that can eat us up if left to fester inside us. The other thing that made an impact on me was reading in one article that forgiveness does not equal passivity or reconciliation.

This all brought me to a place where... I realized that forgiveness is NOT what I was taught as a child. It isn't even what I have been taught as an adult. Forgiveness is about letting go of feelings of anger and resentment and desire to get even for wrongs. It does not mean that you have to engage in a relationship with the person. It does not mean that you have to communicate with the person. All it means is you release the negative emotions associated with the person. You do not have to condone the behavior, you do not have to "let the person of the hook" for the wrongs they did. You just release the "punishment" to the justice system either here on earth or put it in God's hands for punishment in eternal life.

I also realized that forgiving these two particular people in my life does not mean that I have to leave myself or my children open to further injury from them. I can and will take steps to protect my children and myself from these people causing harm to us.

In one article I read the writer made an impression on me through their understanding of what forgiveness is and isn't. Unconditional Forgiveness, the writer said, is about not expecting the person you are forgiving to perform in a certain way or suffer a certain punishment to earn forgiveness. Forgiveness is freely given because it is what God has told us to do. Then the writer went on to say that forgiveness does NOT equal trust. You can forgive someone and not trust them.

The writer used a story to relate on a very simple level this practice. You leave your car door unlocked. Your car is stolen by a thief. Thief is caught, car is returned. You forgive the thief for stealing your car maybe even chose not to press charges. From that day on, you lock your car doors every time you are away from your vehicle. Does the locking of the doors negate the forgiveness you extended to the car thief? Of course not. The forgiveness was freely given. However you are going to take action to prevent your car from being stolen again.

Then the writer went on to describe a more personal type of forgiveness. In this scene, the person was the victim of abuse from a parent as a child. The parent only abused when drinking. Now an adult, the person has forgiven the parent for the abuse. The parent still drinks though. The person does not leave their child with the parent without them being right there. Does this negate the forgiveness given for the abuse? Of course not. The forgiveness was freely given. However the person is going to take action to prevent their child from experiencing that abuse.

Taking steps to protect our safety, or the safety of our family or others, does not negate forgiveness. So long as those steps are not done with malice or with revenge in mind. And so, tonight I actually began the journey to forgive...