Wow! My little man is growing up! He got his first haircut today~ a high and tight for my little man.

He has 2 official teeth and 2 coming in really fast~YAY

it is Good-Bye 2009 and Welcome 2010!!!!

So some good things happened in 2009~ there will be residule of the negative 2009 things going into 2010... But I'll save that for another day.

Today

the opportunity for her to get to know her biological father. He has been good for her and helped her understand herself better. A very good thing......

es him and they have their own thing going that is her busness not mine.

Then there is my other baby girl~ she too is AMAZING! And for her 2009 brought

baby girl once a month...

I have CUSTODY! Once again she is mine! Obviously I have to share her with her Daddy. I am ok with that. He loves her, she lov

there she was.

Because of my own poor choices, she spent 7 years in the custody of her father. Finally in 2009 after first thinking I would only see my

If only you knew! I waited 10 long years to give birth to that child, had the 3 boys and disappointed each time when it wasn't my girl. Then finally~

pears both are on the path to a better life and more substance to their life than just floating through...

My daughter! My Princess! My baby girl.......

ve daily part of our family.

My other 2 big boys~ what a roller coaster ride they were on this year! But here we sit the last day of the year and it ap

es of those choices. His choices have been a point of grief for me in 2009 and so I am hoping in 2010 he makes better choices and he can again be an acti

My kids~ wow!

My oldest is still a lost sheep and I worry about him. I also know he is making his own choices and he has to live with the consequenc

s been my lifeline to sanity in 2009.

Anytime I thought I was losing it, all I had to do was look at him and hold him & I realized just how strong I am.

My bouncy bouncy baby boy! Allen John Dale will be celebrating his first year with us in 3 days. What an awesome little guy and such a blessing. He ha

s too..

The very best thing that happened in 2009, the thing that kept me hanging on and keeping myself together through all of the stuff that went on~

This year is finally OVER! After everything I have been through this year I am ever so glad to see 2009 go into history. There also were some good moment

Hullo Dear Readers! What a week! My days have been full and busy all week long! Took a little trip down to Sacramento~ stayed with my cousin and her family....

Spent Christmas in the arms of family. It don't get much better than that. Christmas morning it was waking up with 7 kids excited and happy!!!!!

Back up~ Monday, after my brother had been bugging me, I decided to take off with the kids and go to Sac to be with family for this first Christmas without Mom. My, whatever he is (not exactly boyfriend but more than casual friend) helped me put plastic over the broken window, change out wiper blades, check oil, trani fluid, antifreeze, window washer, etc... Car was ready~ a big thank you to my friend for all his help in getting us ready to go~ yay!

We all loaded up in the station wagon, said a prayer, and we were off! A nice boring trip~ and we arrived in Sac. Got lost instantly (a theme for us.)

Called my cousin, she came and rescued us... And so over to her house we went. House? No... 2 bedroom apartment where for the next 6 days anywhere from 13 to 22 people would be! OMGosh her poor little place!!!!!!!

oopps gotta take care of baby... Back later to write more!

https://mail.google.com/mail/x/jzqin8j1ghgk-/?v=c&th=125b3bb20e9675c9

Over the river and through the woods...

Poop...

Poop...

Sorry about that mess... Technology isnt always perfect~ texting blog entry to blog didnt work

, she got to hear some family stories, and love on her dad.

After their visit it was back over to Crossroads to do the elf thing~ Santa's helpers...

to meet up with Elizabeth's dad. She hadn't seen him in a while between the flu outbreak, cold weather, and then him getting sick. They had a good visit

o we walked to the Christmas Party... Not bad really, sort of pretty, and good excercise.

Once there, I left Kate to be an elf and took the other 3 kids

w maintenance issues, it will be an amazing car to have... Until then it hates the high elevation, it hates the cold and it just doesn't want to play.

S

fix it up. It needs new glo plugs and wires, an oil change, a tune up, a good cleaning inside and out, etc. Honestly once I am able to take care of a fe

rty.

The car... My @~#% car. I really like the car~ dont get me wrong~ but it annoys me! How I wish I had an extra couple of hundred laying around to

before she is an adult.

After the arguement, we all worked together to do a little clean up and get ready to go decorate for the Crossroads Christmas Pa

ss to get the morning started... We managed in our own inept and disfunctional way to work thngs out between us. This will not be the last fight we have

if he understands the damage he has done to her by not having stronger boundries for her?

Anyway, she and I got into this verbal arguement. Lots of stre

d is so use to getting her way and not having much in the consequence department that she is a real handful.

I know her father adores her but I wonder

Yesterday was a long, emotional, but also fun and wonderful day!

The morning started off with a HORRENDOUS arguement between my daughter and I. The chil

Do not let Katie cook you eggs unless you want them scrambled or over hard

Good Morning! It is time to rise & shine! It is morning time! And what an AMAZING day it is!

Grab your coffee and a a comfy chair and come join me this morning

First things first~ we are back home in our own little place. It is really coming together as OUR home. Things are finding their way to 'homes' where they will help make our home neat, tidy, and attractive.

I had an interruption at 6:30 this morning while writing. The gentleman who I am wanting to get to know better called. We talked forever about a bunch of different stuff. Kinda cool~ however social the call was, it was initially started for a computer question.

He is taking a look at my computer that has terminal blue screen to see if it might be salvagable. So he was inquiring some info about it.

It was an interesting bit of conversation and I learned a little more about him through the call.

It is rather amusing, my kids both said this guy reminds them of their dad~ initiallly I was like "No way"... Maybe a slight physical resemblance~ but thats it...

Ok... So my kids were right. There are definately some similarities. The dry sense of humour, the matter of fact rather lacking in empathy response... Yup a LOT like my Ex.

Not all bad... Certainly familare after 22 years of my Ex being involved in my life. I am looking at it as an opportunity, if nothing else, to develope a long lasting friendship...

Ok~ back again :)

During the water fiasco I had an interesting interaction with a rather interesting gentlman. A man I hope to get to know better very soon...

He is just a wee bit older than I am, has a decent job, and we share some similare interests. He is going to be a great new friend & who knows..

I found a person of the mechanical kind to work on my Escort. He is going to do the work for parts cost only and a home cooked meal :) sounds good 2 me

Good evening dear readers! What an eventful couple of weeks! Things have been BUSY!

First, the "Big Freeze of 2009" had water pipes frozen and busted all over.

We were affected too... Pipes froze after day 3, friend came over and thawed them, only to discover we had numerous breaks in the lines... Uggg

7 days without water from the time of freeze until the broken pipes were fixed.

There was some fun from it though (see pics on my Facebook of our fun!

We spent HOURS in the indoor heated swimming pool and hot tub. Pretty amazing. Snow on the ground, broken pipes at home & we were swimming! How awesome

It was a new experience for me~ 42 years and I never went swimming when it was snowing...

The hotel was a wonderful luxery. We all enjoyed it A LOT!!

Especially after we had busted our tails to make the money to stay there! A friend, who has some health problems, had their car stuck in what he called an igloo from the snow plows piling snow where his parked car sat.

So the girls and I set out to free his car. 3 snow shovels and some serious work did it.

And that is how our room was paid for. Like I told our friend... Never underestimate the power of a woman who wants a HOT shower!

By the way~ I took a 30 minute HOT shower there and NEVER ran out of hot water! It was awesome!

We are back home, working on the disaster of a week of no running water created...

Good Morning! Time to rise and shine! It is a beautiful snowy day! Get up and watch the sunrise!

Good Grief! We are now on day 3 with NO water! Froze up solid~ on top of that my little desiel Mercedes is really objecting to the cold. It just won't start. FRUSTRATED!

on, but he made a comment that sounded so much like something my sons father would say that I was like"No thank-you"...

I really miss my Mom~ I wanted

ad. Now we just wait for the rest of it... See how the date goes and go from there.

I also had another guy ask me out~ turned that one down. Silly reas

n~ I have a date? A real bonafide date with a guy who seems like the cats meow. All of my kids like him, he can make me laugh, and he has a job... Not b

s were in the Christmas parade on Saturday night. Today was busy with friends and family and moving my washer into the house...

Oh yeah and did I mentio

Good evening dear readers~ what an eventful last few days this has been.

We have been painting my daughters bedroom~ still not done with it. The girl

Tired... Painting is hard work

OMG! Today has been a BLAST!!!! Kids and I headed to Crossroads, a program that helps low income families and homeless people and provides a bunch of different services.

It was a totally a blast~ it was friday and everyone was in a jovial mood. Lots of laughter and fun for sure.

We (daughter and I) helped sort through donations~ totally AMAZING~ hit the jackpot for size 18 months little boy clothes :) Baby Gap, Children's Place, Old Navy, OshKoshBabybyGosh, seriously cute boy things.

Then we came home and have started our "Painting Party". Katie is painting her bedroom. It is funtastic Lemon Blast and Lime Breeze checkerboard on one wall and then she hasn't decided yet on the other walls. Either solid or strips or... Something.

known 26 years. Trusted him, loved him, and he taught me... NEVER trust ANYONE.

ast 6 months keeping men, all men, at a distance. I just haven't been able to get comfortable letting any man in my life.

Here, in Ron, was a man I had

the father of one of the other victims. So their family has been assisting 2 victims to get over the betrayal of trust this man did.

I have spent the l

y made me aware of just how much damage that man did to so many people and so many families.

It is all far reaching~ my daughters best friends uncle is

st son, raised his wifes 2 boys and his daughter, and will never get to raise this son.

Preparing my victim's impact statement for his sentancing reall

him and all he is learning to do and I get a pang of sadness for his father and all he is missing out on.

Certainly he (my son's father) does not deser

an. For all the evil and vileness that is him, there was also a part of him that adored his son.

It is rather ironic that he never got to raise his olde

him and all he is learning to do and I get a pang of sadness for his father and all he is missing out on.

Certainly he (my son's father) does not deser

ve any contact with our son. I know that I will do all I can to ensure that he never sees the boy~

But there is a part of me that feels sorry for the m

it is :)

Can you believe, Allen will be a year old in just 30 days. How did that happen? My big boy is a toddler, not my little baby anymore.

I look at

r~ a white tree.

This is such a year of change that it just seemed the time to do something wildly different from the past. So a white Christmas tree

new and amazing memories for our family.

Last night we errected our Christmas tree. We still need to decorate it. A little something different this yea

Good Friday Morning Readers! It is another amazing day!

We wake up in our new house, there is a peace here, no one is feeling stressed, we are creating

Good Evening Readers :) What a day~ I am wore out! Started off this morning to do laundry... Car would not start~ someone had unplugged the darn thing! Arggggg!!!!!

OK so a desiel really needs the block heater going in the cold weather. The teens are tough temps for an old Mercedes. After buying a new battery, new wipers, oil, water, etc for the car and it wouldn't start...

Woke with my son~ no not the baby, my 22 year old. He is headed out of town for a week or two And woke me up to say good-bye.

After he left I got to thinking, you know you always think, as a new parent, that once you get your baby to sleep through the night your days of sleepness nights will be over. Little do you know~ they have just begun...

I cannot begin to imagine the number of nights my Mom must have spent sleepless during the 41 years 5 months I had her.

I was a stong-willed, headstrong, reckless youth and as I got older I made a series of mistakes in judgement that caused my Mom untold grief.

You just do not realize, until you experience it yourself, how much a Mother really loves...

I wonder if it is the same for fathers? Somehow, I think it maybe a little the same, but at the same time, I think there is a difference too.

Now I am laying here, Allen woke up from my typing, so he is hving a middle of the night snack... I look down at him and wonder...

What will he be doing in 21 years that keeps his mother awake?

Sensational Sunday Morning! It is an amazing day today! The air is crisp and clean, I sat at my window watching the sunrise this morning, it is just awesome this world God has given us!

Today and tomorrow are going to be whirlwind days! Tons to do and get done. I am excited to get it all done and then start settling into a routine.

Katie and Elizabeth in school~ Allen and I doing our thing during the day~ then all the after school stuff~ I am a creature of habit and look forward to getting back into our routine...

This coming weekend we are having a sleepover~ a painting party for Katie's room. She has picked fun colors and prints. Putting her room together is going to be fun!

While the big girls are working on the painting and such I will have a couple of little girls putting Elizabeth's room together. We aren't doing much in there but I have a couple of projects for the girls to do.

Then we are done with that sort of thing until Christmas...

*sigh* well I better get going~ lots to do today!

Kids are all asleep~ I was sitting here in the quiet thinking~

and my kids woke up...

Wow what a week!!!! We have had an amazing adventure getting moved~ I don't think any other move has been so much fun~

Here is what happened~ I found the perfect house, it was amazing. Put down a good faith deposit and then...

My credit didn't meet their expectations. We lost the house... But I had already given notice at the apartment... And I spent the rent money... And well... We still had to move!

So I had to scramble~ let me just say God is AWESOME!

First we went to look at this darling little place~ really was delightful. Had everything~ but 2 major drawbacks... 1. Cost~ the rent itself wasn't bad but then there was water, natural gas, garbage, electric, cable, phone, and on and on... So the $850 place was going to be more like $1,200.

Anyway we were leaving the cute house when I see a 4 Rent sign on this place. I stop~ 3 bedroom place for $700 a month? I'm thinking it is going to be pretty bad. We see it and WOW it's kinda cute. Not as nice as some we looked at but we also looked at worse that cost more. Called the number and walla~ we have home. BUT...

The problem was we wouldn't get the keys to the new house until the day we were s'pose to be out of the apartment.

Well... We did it. I moved everything to my sons garage and then after we got the keys we moved the stuff to the new place.

I'll write more later..

Moving~

I hate moving~ even though it is a good thing and we are getting into a bigger nicer place~ I hate moving.

I hate packing, I hate arrainging turn ons and shut offs for all the household stuff, I hate trying to get everything done and I mostly hate having to do it all alone...

I realized something as I was packing today~ I really want to find a place where I can raise my kids and never have to move again. The place we are moving to isn't that place. It is a lot better than the apartment, but it isn't a "forever" raise my babies in it house.

I really want a forever, raise my babies in it, house. A nice gentle 3 bedroom house with a white picket fence...

Oh well... until then reality is we have a decent enough 3 bedroom that will take care of our needs for now and we will be settled in there hopefully tomorrow night.

Report Cards, Court Dates, and other such stuff

What a week!

It has been a very busy and eventful week!

Custody hearing went good~ Katie is home, I have her enrolled in school, she has started a couple of different activities (Job's Daughters and Youth Group at church), and although she misses her Daddy a lot, she is settling in here well.Now if I can just get her to stop trying to be the boss of everything in her life. Her counseling doesn't start for a couple of weeks yet. But she is certainly going to need A LOT of it to get through this and become the most amazing young woman she can be. She is one messed up little girl with all that has happened in her life~ I am sure that with counseling she is going to understand things happening with her much better.

House search has been up and down and up and down and up and down... we are suppose to be out of this apartment in just a few days and I still haven't found us a house to live in. I feel extra stupid for putting in my notice before we had signed papers on the other house :( I was just sooo sure we were getting it. We are packing, things are coming together in that department. I know with a full blown effort we can have it all done in less than a day~ packing and moving.

But I have a couple of lines out on a couple of other houses and hopefully one of them comes through. One in particular is just so darling and cute. I really want it. It even has a picket fence. Not white but paint is cheap :) It is the second nicest house I have looked at in the last 2 months. The first nicest is the one we thought we were getting and didn't get :( There is another that is a little shabby on the exterior but the inside is to die for. Hardwood floors, built ins, tons of closets and storage space, a big basement, a breakfast nook and a diningroom... We will have to wait and see what happens. I am trusting God that He will provide us with just the right home.

Report Card, parent teacher conference day was yesterday for Elizabeth. They don't give traditional A, B, C grades in our elementary school instead it is (1) Below Grade Level (2) Approaching Grade Level and (3) At or Above Grade Level. Her reading standards are all 3's. Writting is 2's except for neatness. Listening Standards (thats actually following written instructions) is a 3 and then Math Standards... they test for 10 areas. She got two 3's, five 2's and then 3 1's. So Math is really a need to focus on along with her writting neater. Accademically she is really doing well. She is a smart girl and I am really proud of her.

But then there is behavior~ I have another little social butterfly. It is so funny~ I actually pulled some of the kids report cards last night to look. Every single one of my 5 in school kids had mark downs for talking and not working independently. Even Joshua had a couple of times where it was just Satisfactory instead of Excellent.

Allen went to the doctor for his check up after his bout of flu and secondary infections. He is all better. Ears looked good, lungs sounded great and of course all flu symptoms were long gone. He is 22 pounds of healthy boy.

Over all life is pretty darn good~

Wonderful Day!

After spending the last couple of days somewhat melancholy, knowing my Mom's birthday was coming and missing her a lot~

I woke up this morning in a great mood! I still miss her~ but there was a calm, a feeling like she is here with us on her birthday, spending the day with us as we go about our business...

Katie was up bright and early frosting the cake she baked yesterday and then carefully counted out 63 candles and stuck them in her masterpiece. This afternoon we will have cake and milk for Grandma's birthday. This feeling that she is with us really has me feeling ok today.

So the kids and I are going to look at a house this morning, I have a parent teacher conference for my Lizzard this afternoon, then we are having a little birthday party for Grandma, dinner and then Youth Group for Katie. Speaking of...

Katie did Job's Daughters last night~ she enjoyed herself and will be petitioning. I am really happy for her. She will be learning a lot in the next few years with the involvement, not to mention that it is a group that will instill good manners and behaviors in her. It is great that so many things came together to make her transition back home really easy and to have so much support in place to pick up and help her.

I know her Dad loves her and was trying to do his best for her... I think that at times it is so easy to get stuck in one way of thinking and forget there are other ways to look at a situation. I know that for my Ex, he really has a tough time with acknowledging things have changed. He will fight the change and pretend it isn't happening. So when our daughter started into true adolecents, he just couldn't adjust his thinking to accomadiate her changing needs.

My prayer for him is that he realizes just how important he is in the life of both of our children and stop punishing them for loving their mother. It hurts the kids so much when he refuses to talk to them because they have chosen a relationship with me.

Well time for us to get going~ a house a house a house YAY!

My Mommy's birthday would have been tomorrow (Nov. 19th)...

I miss that lady so very much! I catch myself thinking little things during the day, things that are fairly simple but really impact my day... I realize how little mundane things can truly make a difference in our lives.

Well I just wanted to make sure, if she is able to watch over me and see what is going on, I love you Mom and Miss You!

Good Morning Dear Readers! I am sitting here this morning just so happy I could burst and in a bit of an odd twist also experiencing some sadness and sorrow.

I officially got physical custody of my daughter yesterday! I am so excited to actually have her "officially" in my custody now. Her father will have alot of visits, but her day to day life will be with me. This is like the MOST amazing thing... I have waited and waited for this day, had begun to believe that it would never come. But God is AMAZING and He took care of us.

Life is at one of those AMAZING points... We are moving out of the little apartment, into a house again, we have a car again, we have everything in life we need. Certainly there are some "wants" we are still lacking... but all of our needs have been met.

My daughter is enrolled in high school~ assessment tests show how far behind she is. But with lots of support from the school we should have her all caught up by April. She knows it is going to be a lot of work and buckled right down with her first assignement and got started.

So I now have at home 4 of my children full time and 1 part time. The only one missing from the fold is my oldest. My heart grieves over the choices he has made in his life. I can only hope and pray that when he is released from prison this time that he will make better choices. And if he choses not too, well then I will have to keep him at a distance to protect the other children. It isn't easy being a parent to a child with a serious mental health condition AND with a history of drug problems and violence.

His birthday is on Friday~ my first born will be 24 years old. How did that happen? I swear it feels like it was just a few weeks ago he was the size of my little Allen, a babe in arms. Yet here he is 24... Both of Allen's big brothers are 24 and poor little guy isn't able to know either of them...

That is part of my sadness... my son and his choices...

The other is my Mom... her birthday is tomorrow. She would be 63 years old November 19th. I miss her so very much. There are days when it is easier... days when it is harder. Her birthday is tough. Birthdays in my family have always been special celebrations. We will miss this celebration...

Then there is Thanksgiving coming. Again my Mom will not be with us. Have I ever mentioned I really do not like pumpkin pie? There is something about pumpkin pie that to me is just nasty. So I never learned to cook one properly. Our family tradition has been for YEARS~ I cook all of thanksgiving dinner with the exception of the pumpkin pie.

Now my Mom could barely boil water without burning it. She cooked "good enough" to keep us from starving, but she was never really a cook. But that woman could make the most amazing pumpkin pies! My kids adored them. She made pumpkin pies and pumpkin custard every year. It was her "thing".

This year there is none of Grandma's Pumpkin Pie... I am sad... we are going to do a little different holiday tradition this year to compensate for the sorrow at the lost traditions from Grandma's death... but I am sad and I am missing my Mom a LOT right now.

It was silly, yesterday I actually cried a little when I realized I had thought, gotta get home to tell Mom I finally got custody of Katie back, and of course Mom isn't there to go tell. I choked back the tears and hope that she is able to see... I know it would make her so happy to see that I followed through and did what needed to be done and didn't just give in to my Ex's stupidity...

Well I better go now... life is BUSY!

Interesting Conversation~

I met with the mediator regarding my daughter and where she is going to live~ it was rather interesting... she had talked to my daughter and to my ex prior to speaking with me.

There was quite a few things that we discussed, but the part that I found interesting...

I told her that my Ex had talked our daughter into thinking the move would be like being in DisneyLand~ heck he even has had her doing tons of stuff like sailing lessons, surfing lessons, and so on... and she really has enjoyed these things and had fun doing them. The mediator confirmed that both my daughter and Ex had talked about these things.

I then asked the mediator, why if it is DisneyLand like, does our daughter want to live with me? I don't take vacations like her dad, we don't go anywhere "fun" and exciting, no sailing or surfing lessons...

Life around my house is pretty boring in contrast~ we take trips to the park, we go play soccer together, take walks along the river, hang out at home doing crafts, hang out cooking...

There is the key~ while my Ex keeps my daughter busy taking all these lessons, they are things she is doing on her own. Where as activities at my house are "family" things... we are together. I don't pawn her off on who ever will take her. In fact often I am talking her out of not going with this friend or that friend and having her come up with family centered things we can do.

I guess because I have lived without her, I learned to cherish every moment I have with her and with my kids that I have 24/7. I realize that each moment of their childhood is a moment to hang on to and enjoy.

The mediator and I talked about some of the reasons my daughter wants to live with me instead of her father...

Bottom line, even though she loves both of us, when it comes down to it, I spend the QUALITY time with her doing quality things. My boring everyday life is all about my kids. They all know it and thrive on it.

What an amazing week it has been...

Our drama still isn't over, but things are getting there...

I have my Katie! I have actually had her with me for 2 weeks already. Sometimes things just happen that are AMAZING and GOOD! It has been such a joy to have her home where she belongs. I have a lot of work to do with her to get her emotionally stable again, to get her caught up with school, and adjust to the new situation living with me and not her Dad.

It is going to be a long road of adjustment for her. Going from a 6 figure income with her Dad to my much lower income so there aren't all the "extras" like Starbucks every day before school, shopping at Aeropostle or Hollisters, getting new $80 shoes every 3 months... She knows that I can't afford all that. But even though she knows, it is a lot of adjustment to make.

And then the fights...

I want to pull my hair out some times... Katie pushes Elizabeth's buttons, Elizabeth pushes Katie's buttons, they pick on eachother, get eachother screaming or whining, and it drives me NUTZ! Both girls are having to readjust the positions they have with Mom. Elizabeth has had my attention almost exclusivly~ even with the birth of Allen, she still had a lot of attention since I could hold him and do stuff with her still.

With Katie home, it is different for Elizabeth. There is this other big kid fighting for my attention too. And since for Katie, the only way she has really had attention is from misbehaving, guess what we get a LOT of? I am really working at the "catching her being good" stuff and rewarding positive behavior in ways that Katie will respond too. It is going to take time...

Well right now we have to get to the Parade... Elizabeth is walking with her Girl Scout Troop... then off to lunch with a friend and the girls and then home to get some more packing done.

Activities and Such

It has been a busy weekend~

Friday my family and I headed off to Reno for a day of shopping and fun. We hit some great stores and came away with some awesome finds. Allen got a fun little outfit that had the shirt, pants and little jacket for $3, Elizabeth came away with 2 pair of jeans for under $5 for both, Katie cost a little more but got herself a pair of skinny jeans for $6, Joshua even found a couple of things. Grand total spent on our shopping spree $56. I got a great oil burner that is really pretty for $1 on clearance and a straightening iron for Katie for $4. We definately got some great bargains.

After shopping we headed to King Buffet for dinner... For 6 of us it was only $52. Not bad~ the buffet had all sorts of good things on it. The kids all tried octopus. I laughed so hard at Joshua~ he says, as he is chocking down the octipus. "Have you ever chewed on old rubber bands?" This was his idea of what his octipus tasted like. I passed on trying it :)

After dinner we headed over to GSR for outdoor fun~ we climbed into racecars and raced eachother~ what a blast we had! We were going to do the swing... but Katie chickened out... It would have been one of those terrifyingly FUN things to do... maybe next time!

We finished racing the second go around and then headed over to the strip~ CircusCircus was the yell of the children. So to the CircusCircus Midway we went~ Lots of fun there! The kids came away with a bag full of goodies for just a few dollars.

Finally it was time to head home~ Amazing! My car took all of a quarter of a tank of gas for the trip!We laughed and played and had a wonderful day!

My niece has left *sad face*~ she is back home, her part of the WalMart remodel being over with. I am going to miss the girl being around all the time. She is an amazing girl and I feel so blessed getting to spend so much time with eachother...

The rest of the weekend has been the same sort of flurry of activity~ Took the kids up to Eagle Lake today. We had great fun on that adventure~ I will write more soon but right now I am feeling myself fading...

It has been a long weekend and I am tired....

Random Wanders of Thoughts

Hullo Dear Readers! What a week! Kids have kept me BUSY! A mostly good busy :)

There have been a few negatives~ but nothing too bad. It has actually been good in an odd sort of way~ I got to really see how much I have changed over the last few years.

My son pointed out, where once in a similar situation I would be yelling, screaming, and having a hissy fit in front of everyone~ this time I was composed, my voice only raised a mild octave, and I was coherent and making sense. Pretty cool that the tools I have learned the last few years to act appropriately in situations are actually being used and working~

So although the negative experiences this last week were really a pita~ at the same time it was a positive for me to be able to see just how far I have come.

For me though, one of the crowning moments of this last week came from my 18 year old.

For those who don't know, we were estranged from eachother for about two years. He rarely came to visits with me. At the time I knew he was being filled with garbage from his father. I knew that I was always presented as a psycho crazy women who didn't love them. Hell when our son was 2 years old his dad laughed when he had taught the child to call me a bitch.

A couple of years ago, there was a turn in my son's and my relationship. The kids dad had a drug overdose of a prescription medication. Our daughter found her dad unresponsive in his bed. The kids called an ambulance and then me.

I had before me a most amazing opportunity~ I could have gotten custody of the kids right then and there. But I didn't do it~ both of my babies were so scared their Daddy was going to die. They begged me not to do anything to hurt him. And so... I just kept the kids with me until he was out of the hospital and feeling better and let them go back to live with him. No fighting, no stupidity... just doing the right thing in the situation.

Well that experience showed my son that although his father said certain things, he had conflicting information that he got to observe first hand. So then later when his father was telling him that I was trying to take them away from him just for the child support... well my son was able to see... that was not the case. And so we began a new stage in our relationship. He has come to my house almost daily since the start of summer. He has his own place and his own life, yet he still makes time to pop in and see his Mom. It is amazing!

So there was a conflict between the kids dad and myself this last week~ there was my son~ standing up to his dad~ DEFENDING me! How cool is that? It truly was one of the most awesome experiences I have had as a Mother :) My son has seen through the lies his father has told, all of his father's attempts to seperate my children from me, all the games his dad has played... he stood there, called him on it, and tried to tell his father that he should look at things in a different way.

Of course, my Ex being my Ex just refused to see any of it... he has some issues that really need to be dealt with in a theraputic setting. He is a vengful person with some really serious black and white thinking. I already know that sometime in the next week I will have CPS at my door because he has called them on me for some craziness.

One of the reasons I had stopped trying to get equal time with our daughter is because EVERY time there was something going on with court, my Ex had CPS at my door. The calls were all unfounded, but I still had to deal with it and it was frustrating. I wanted and needed a period of peace in my life...

Yet even when I stopped fighting with him over time with the kids, he played the head games. He decided if/when I could have visits with our daughter, even though our orders were specific. He flat told me that if I didn't like it take him back to court... anything to cause a fight. He couldn't just let me have her when the orders said and let there be peace for all of us. It is like he needs the conflict to survive.

So we are headed back to court... that is the negative at the moment... the positive is that I have my baby girl with me and she is doing great! I love her so much and it has been so amazing to have her home with me, home where she belongs!

Fantazmagorical Life!

I am so serious~ GOD is truly AMAZING!

OK so last week I was all gloomy and having wierd sort of emotions and processing going on~ then this week started off with the baby being sick and me feeling really out of control~

So towards the middle of the week things started to change...

I have to tell you, just because things are ick, does NOT mean GOD isn't working behind the scenes to make wonderful and fantastic things happen. Things you cannot even imagine~

Because of some other things going on, I really cannot write about all the things that are happening in my life right now. I just need to really emphasize that GOD is in control and really GOOD things are happening in my life~

On a lighter note...

A 14 year old with sissors and a desire to cut Mom's hair...

She actually did a pretty good job~ my hair is shorter than I have had it in several years, but it looks good and the kid did a good job. While she was cutting my hair, going on about my nails needing to be cleaned up, and telling me how I dress like an old lady~ she also was telling me that she really thought she would enjoy being a beautician. She really enjoys doing hair and nails and all that sort of thing.

Of course her father will flip out~ he expects her to go to college and be something like an accountant or some such thing. This girl is just not going to be one who does a job like that. It isn't her personality~ she wants a little flamboyance, lots of chit chat chatter and having fun. I really think she will be an amazing stylist~

So my baby girl has decided on something of a career~ it gives her a reason to actually go to high school and graduate. We did a little research on the internet and she figured out that an education really does help even a beautician and that she can go further wth just that high school diploma. Before she was really thinking that a diploma didn't matter because she didn't see herself doing any of the things her father expected her to do,

Oh yeah and I have a nice little hair cut~

Well I better get back to sleep~ long day tomorrow of getting things done for our move! Oh yeah and Trick or Treating on Saturday and wow~ a busy busy weekend!

I have had a very stress filled couple of days with the baby having the flu. I was so worried about him. Luckily this afternoon he is showing signs of improvement. He isn't 100% just yet, still has the sniffles and a cough, but he has some energy, has been playing a bit and seems to be doing so much better.

We'll see as evening comes if he gets sicker with night fall or stays about the same as he is now. That will tell me how close to over this we really are.

He has needed to be held almost the entire time the last 3 days or he is fussing and crying. It has limited what I could do around the house significantly. Although I am pretty adept at getting things done with him in my arms, now that he is 22 pounds it is getting a little harder to do things and hold him.

It was rather interesting, as I sat holding him this morning, thinking of needing to wash dishes, I remembered something my little mans sperm donor said to me way back when Allen was just a few weeks old. He told me then that I needed to let him just lay down without me holding him once in a while~ I told him basically to kiss off, that I was holding him as much as I could as often as I could. I did say it a little nicer at the time but you know what I mean...

The random thought of how lucky I am, that my son is totally comforted just by my holding him came about. That man wanted me to not hold the baby so much, for whatever reason he had, I ignored hiom and now... I have an independent little guy who loves to play and do on his own but also who is comforted best by Mommy's arms.

It is pretty cool~ God knows what He is doing. Even when we are horribly confused at what is going on around us, to us, He KNOWS and it is all working out exactly the way it needs to.

The bestest thing I came to realize while my little guy has been sick~ although I have wanted a partner to share my life with and prayed for it~ I have the most magnificent partner in the world! I have GOD! He is there to comfort me when I need it, Hold me UP when I am exhausted, give me direction when I am not sure which way to go, He is always there, never lets me down, and why do I need an earthly man when I got GOD?

So as I sat whatching my Allen play with his little car on the floor, I realized that Allen doesn't need a "man" to be his father/daddy. Especially considering the sperm donor he has and the evil he would learn from him... Allen has a father... a Father in Heaven...

It is rather interesting because my Elizabeth tells everyone she has 3 daddy's~ she has her Belly Button Daddy~ he is very special to her, then she has her brother's sperm donor that she calls "daddy" and finally she has God. She includes God always as her daddy. I can remember back when that came about...

She was just about 3 years old~ she wanted a Daddy. She had a list~ her "new" daddy had to love fishing, camping, trucks and motorcycles. He also had to be nice and not spank her and only make her stand in the corner if she were bad. And finally he had to tuck her into bed at night and hear her prayers. (I should have listened to her list and compared it to Goober. I would have ran the other direction since he couldn't/wouldn't do any of the things she wanted other than liking trucks.)

Anyway~ that was her list. So I told her that she should talk to God about it. Take her list to Him and tell him what she wanted because it really was God's decision. It got us into a discussion about God, yes when she was only 3. We talked about how God is the Father over ALL of us. We talked about the things He does that are like a father on earth does.

Elizabeth decided that God was a great Father to have and she was OK with that, but she still wanted one here on earth to do all the stuff like fishing and riding motorcycles with her and tucking her in bed at night.

I got to thinking... all those things she wanted a Daddy for... I can do. I DO! I have done with/for her. And for the few things that a man is really needed for, I have plenty of male friends who can step in and help out. Same goes for Allen...

It is stupid to sit here now and think of all the hours I sat wondering WHY I couldn't meet a man that would be just right for me and the kids... because I don't need one... all I need is my faith in GOD and trusting Him.

Serious Stuff & Stupid Stuff

My little guy has H1N1~ he is a very sick little guy. He has the coughing, sniffling, sneezing, achy, fever won't let Mommy rest stuff. I am really worried about him. He started yesterday with just a little snuffle~ I figured maybe seasonal allergies or maybe a cold. Then around bedtime he started running a fever~

He was fussy all night long. A dose of tylenol helped for a little while, but before the next dose was due his fever was back up and he was crying again. Finally this afternoon when he just seemed to be getting worse I took him to the hospital. Doctor looked him over, ran some tests, made out a few prescriptions...

I feel so helpless as a Mom~ my baby is so sick and all I can do is watch and hope the medicines work. When he is coughing and I can see it hurts him to do it... I can't do anything but hold him until he has finished.

As I was bundeling him up to leave the hospital this evening, I had this rather random thought about his sperm donor go through my head...

My last visit to the hospital was February 3, 2009... the day my Mom passed away.

That month, from January 3rd when my son was born until February 3rd when my Mom passed away I spent way to much time in hospitals. My son's sperm donor was there along side me at the birth of our son, when my Mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital when my baby was just 3 days old he was there, when our son got sick with jaundice, his sperm donor was there... the day my Mom died~ he was there.

So he wasn't there today, when I had to take my son to the hospital. The first time I had been to the hospital since February 3rd.

It wasn't exactly resentment... but sort of? I felt cheated...

First this asshole had inserted himself into parts of my life that forever changed my life. The birth of my son and the loss of my Mom were both HUGE things in my life and stupid was there and a big part of both of those events. He inserted himself and it was all lies... him saying he loved me, loved our son, loved my Mom... all lies.

Todays trip to the ER with the baby triggered the feelings of betrayal by this man. While we were in the ER I was too worried about the baby to think about any of this. It was only once my baby had been ssen and I was taking him home that all this hit...

I realized this evening, the effects that this mans lies and actions will have on my life are going to be ongoing. It isn't going to be a deal with it, get over it, move on. It is going to be deal with bits and pieces here and there, get over it, move on and then have another issue come up deal with it in bits and pieces, get over it, and move on...

And I have to deal with being a single parent to my son for the rest of his life... to know that I will never have his father around to help walk the floor when the baby is crying because he is sick, when he needs to be rocked and cuddled because he feels miserable... it is all on me.

All because this man is a deviant who finds baby girls objects of sexual stimulation... evil... the man is just evil. It is so vile and my family has been so devistated by it...

Today it became evident to me that the repercussions of this mans actions on my life and the life of my children is going to be long reaching.

Now I am going to go snuggle my sick little guy and let him know Mommy loves him and will always be here for him...

Dr Suess

Just wanted to share this since a friend of mine thought to share it with me today...

Congratulations!

Today is your day,

You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

You're on your own.

And you know what you know.

And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets.

Look 'em over with care.

About some you will say,

"I don't choose to go there."

With your head full of brains, and your shoes full of feet,

you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any

you'll want to go down.

In that case, of course,

you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener therein the wide open air.

Out there things can happen

and frequently do to people as brainyand footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,don't worry.

Don't stew.Just go right along.

You'll start happening too.

OH!THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sites! You'll join the high fliers!

who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.

You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to says sobut, sadly, it's true

that Bang-ups

and Hang-ups

can happen to you

You can get all hung up

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lunch

wuth an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted.

But mostly they're dark.

A place that could sprain both elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose?

How much can you win?

And IF you should go in,

should you turn left or right...or right-and-three-quaters?

Or maybe not quite?

Or go around and back and sneak from behind?

Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,

for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you'll start in to race

down long and wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most usless placeThe Waiting Place......

for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or a No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You'll find the bright places

where boom bands are playing.

Oh, the places you'll go!

There is fun to be done!

There are points to be scored.

There are games to be won.

And the magical things you can do with that ball

will make you the winning-est winner of all.

Fame!

You'll be famous as famous can be,

with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.

Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too

.Games you can't win'

cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not.

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, theres a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go

though the whether be foul.

On you will go

though your enemies prowl.

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl.

Onward up manya frightening creek,

though you arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.

And I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up of course,

as you already know.

You'll get mixed up

with many stray birds as you go.

So be sure when you step.

Step with care and great tactand remember that Life's

a Great Balancing Act.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.

And never mix up your right foot with you left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will indeed!(98 and 3/4 percent garanteed!)

KID YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray

or Mordecai Ali Van Alenn O'Shea

you're off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So... get on your way!

A most wonderful Thursday to you dear readers! It is a beautiful day and I am so excited about the whole day ahead!

It is going to be a most marvelous day! I have plans for this wonderful fall day! The weather is suppose to be a nice warm 70 something~ so it is a day out and about!

I looked at a house yesterday~ it turned out to be a little on the small side and the cost for space... well anyway... It was a step in the right direction anyway. I am on the way to a new abode!

Today I am going to look at a couple of other places... a little prayer going up for the perfect place for my babies to grow up in. I am hoping that we can find a place that we can all be happy in. Space enough for all of us, room to run and play, a nice yard... we wait and see what it is that God has in store for us. I am confident that the most perfect house is out there just waiting for us to find it.

So it is time for us to head out the door~ breakfast with Kay first, then to look at house #1 at noon, then WalMart for a birthday gift for my little bear's friend, then off to see house #2 at two and then pick little bear up from school and take her to the birthday party. Whew... busy day!

Sending everyone warm wishes for a grand day! Be well and take care!

Happy Birthday Bob

Today is my Ex-Husbands biological birthday and his recovery birthday....

He is 60 years old today... where has the last 21 years gone? Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.

Anyway, this year he has a lot to celebrate~ he has found the person who will be wife #5, he seems to be happy, he is living at the ocean and enjoying his life. I hope he has a beautiful day.

And here we are...

What a WEEKEND! Can't believe it is only Saturday evening! We have been on the fly since Friday morning~ it has been an amazing and fun weekend so far (still have more of the weekend left to have fun!)

Friday morning it was Pathways last big outdoor hurrah~ a goodbye summer hello fall party at Riverside Park. We went on a nature hike, made great little collages with the leaves and stuff we gathered on our walk, ate pizza, and just had a lot of fun~ nothing like having a bunch of little guys all together having fun at the park! My grandson was there along with my Joshua so it was a lot of family fun along with fun of the others there too.

Friday afternoon, I had to wander up to the courthouse to take care of some matters~ the kiddos and I walked up there~ what a wonderful walk we had! The weather was PERFECT, the colors of fall were amazing, we sang and danced our way uptown...

Took care of the business part of our adventure, then we took a photo op at the old county jail~ way cute pics of my babies there... then we went to the Susanville Cemetary~ this was totally an amazing little adventure. I know we are a bit odd to take an adventure through a cemetary~ but it is something my little bear and I have done a couple of times now. We walk around and look at the headstones, check out the artwork on some of them, see the dates on them and freshen up a few graves here and there that need it.

While we are at the Susanville Cemetary we saw headstones with dates from the 1860's... 150 year old headstones... totally amazing. There are also some old wooden headstones there... I stood there in that cemetary, my heart full of joy, at the love families showed their family members and sad too... because there were these monster sized pieces of granite and marble etched with loved ones names, small fortunes spent on these memorials, and there in one corner were 4 little wooden headstones, lovingly handmade by someone who wanted to mark the people they loved grave sites.

Well after our sojourn through the cemetary we grabbed the Bizz Johnson Trail at Miller Road... I am telling you, the walk down the trail was so delightful! The fall colors were everywhere, there was the waterfall, the river, the bridge... we walked from the Miller Road TrailHead back to the Richmond Road TrailHead. From Richmond Road we walked towards home~ decided that instead of home we would go to the park again!

And off we went to the park~ Elizabeth played hard. Allen had fun too playing on the slide and then crawling around in the grass. All of a sudden, after we had been playing for a while, we noticed it was cooling off... Fall... the sun starts to settle down and the temperature starts to plummet. The park was a lot of fun and then we headed home as the sun was setting.

So we woke up Saturday~ sat here talking about what we should do today~ we decided a trip to the library and a picnic at the park...

I packed some peanut butter and jelly sammiches, some gogurts, crackers, and other snack stuff and some water and we were on our way.

The library was great fun~ it has been a long time since we went and spent time there. The kids played in the children's corner, we read a couple of stories, found a couple of books to check out and then we were on our way...

Memorial Park was a busy place today! One would think it was the middle of summer instead of the middle of October. We found ourselves a bit of grass where we spread our blanket and settled down to eat our little picnic. Then Elizabeth got and played while Allen had a bit of a nap. Once he woke up he went and played too.

We played and played and played and finally settled down on our blanket again~ we sat there talking and decided that we should wander over to the museum and see if they were open...

It was OPEN! How fun and exciting! We wandered around and looked at the cool stuff they had, talked about some of the neat things that they had in there, and visited with the guy who was there. Elizabeth found out the man running the museum today went to school with her Dad. She thought that was very cool. He showed her pictures of the old High School and the picture of when it was brought down to make room for the new high school (if 40+ years is new?)

We had tons of fun at the museum and then decided to go back to the park...

The kids and I walked back to the park~ we played along the river, rolled in leaves, and swung and slid on the slide and really just had a ton fun! We played until we were to tired to play anymore and then home we traveled...

Elizabeth and I made biscuits and some stew and settled down to eat our dinner and both fell asleep... it was a nice long good day.

Some Sadness Tonight

This evening a friend of mine stopped by for a short visit...

He has a saughter who is 2 and a son who is a about 7 months old, babies he hasn't got to see in just over a month. Not because he has done anything wrong, not because he is a bad father, or even a rotten partner... he hasn't seen his kids because Mom decided that she was "over" him and moved out of his house with the kids.

I sat here talking to him tonight, his eyes kept filling with tears at not getting to see his kids. He told me how he will wake up at 5:30am and get up and go to the baby's room before he remembers they are gone. He was telling me that he worries about both Mom and the babies and feels so helpless and hopeless. He wonders how they are and wants so bad to see them but Mom is refusing to tell him where she is and has told him that she will tell him where she is when she feels like it. He can't even file anything with the court because he can't have her served.

I sat there feeling so sad for him. Here is a dad who has tried so hard, he took care of his family, was home every day right after work, didn't go out partying or hanging with the "boys". He went home to his family. He took care of them. Mom has never had to work, he has supported them. He showed me the letter that she left him... in it she says he was a good man, a good father, etc... she said in it that she just didn't love him and couldn't live with him anymore. She said in her letter that she would contact him in a few months to let him see the kids and that he needed to give her space so that she could bond with HER children. She also told him that she had emptied their bank account to move out and to not contact her parents because they wouldn't tell him anything.

As I read the letter, saw the pain in my friends face, I was filled with anger...

All I could think was how my son's father had me served with court papers for custody back last March. It brought all the anger and resentment to the surface over that whole crap. The man KNEW what he had done to violate my daughter, to violate other children, and he sued me for custody and visitation. Yet...

When we got to mediation, he caved. I think back now and I know why. It was because he knew that if his wife were brought into any of it she would give him up knowing what she did about him. So when I said that I wanted her to have NOTHING to do with our son, he quickly agreed to a no contact clause in our custody orders. When I said I wasn't comfortable letting him take the baby away from me even for short visits, he agreed to the visits being in my home... not because he wanted to I am sure, it was to keep people from digging to much into his life and finding out what was really going on.

Here was an evil vile man who had NEVER, not even 1 time, been denied seeing his son. He had open access. Yet he filed against me... in comparison there is this truly good father who is being denied his children by an evil vile woman. The world we live in is so distorted.

Things like hearing an FBI agent tell me that pictures with a child in their underwear is not pornography or illegal~ no matter the positions the child is posed in made me angry. A little girl was violated but because the photographs are of a child with underwear on it is ok in the eyes of the law...

A sick evil vile world... where wives protect their husbands from their depravity being discovered... and then expect forgiveness for it because they profess some love of GOD... where that same wife wants to have contact with her husbands illegitamate child, even after he has cheated on her to concieve the child because she has forgiven him for his actions...

A very strange and twisted world without a doubt.

After my friend left and I was sitting here sort of processing all of these thoughts...

I cried

I thought about how my choices hurt my babies so very much. All of my children were hurt by this man's involvement in our lives. I can't blame him. I made the choices. All I had to do was say go away... and KEPT saying it when he kept coming back. But I didn't and so the children suffer the consequences and I have to live with that as my reality. That it is my fault the children have been hurt the way they have because I allowed the man to be part of our lives.

For the rest of my life I will have to watch my son go through life wondering about his father. He will never know what it is to be loved by a daddy~ he will never know what it is like to have daddy tuck him in~ he will never know anything about what having a dad in his life really is all about. It sucks... Had I just STUCK to the no contact way back in February 2008... instead of listening to his bullshit lies, instead of letting him back into our lives... although other children may have been hurt... it wouldn't have been my children hurt.

I know I cannot change the past~ a friend of mine said that part of forgiveness is moving on into the future~ I know I need to forgive myself for this and let go of the anger and resentment at myself for the mistakes I made with this man in my life.

In about 5 minutes it will be his birthday... Do I tell my son about it? Do I tell him his Daddy's birthday is today? Is his birthday something to celebrate or something to mourn? Like I know if he hadn't been born it would have changed a great many lives in radical ways... but then if he hadn't been born... my children wouldn't be dealing with this violation he did in our lives. I wouldn't have my son... and I don't want to change having him and to change his parnetage would change who my little guy is... I don't know... maybe in the next few years I will come to some sort of peace about all this to be able to give my son something that is encouraging instead of the wishing the man had never been born and mourning this day instead of it being a celebration...

My Amazing Life

I am sitting here tonight, in awe of the wonders GOD does in our lives. The music and words to Michael W. Smith's song keeps going through my mind...

Our God(our God) is an awesome God

He reigns from heaven above

With wisdom with wisdom pow'r and love

our God is an awesome God

As I sit here tonight, I am so full of the love God has given me in my life... My family is so amazing. God has given me a well of LOVE to refill my spirit in. Through HIM, He has given me my family and what an amazing well of love they are.

I had an opportunity to talk to a friend earlier~ we talked about family and how they really are a gift from GOD. Friends too. I told her, I really am at a loss for words to truly explain just how touched by GOD I feel right now.

It is as if all the hell I have been through this last year has been to bring me here to this place in time and make me the happiest I have ever been in my life...

Happy in a way that is beyond words... All the effort I put into happy thoughts, as I was talking to my friend today... I realized something. Thinking happy thoughts is important, GOD tells us to take every thought capative and to meditate on the good things... So certainly it is right to think the positive happy thoughts. I know I will keep doing that~ but this happiness that I am feeling right now... it is as if GOD has just reached down and touched me, wrapped me in HIS arms, and is taking care of me, loving me, and creating the perfect life for me... it may not be perfect for other people... but for me it is perfect.

Life is good right now. In fact as I was talking with my friend, I was telling her that there were a couple of things going on in my life that I feel like I should be anxious about... yet... oddly I am at peace with those things. I am not feeling any anxiety. Just a peace and happiness.

My life is amazing~ I truly believe that all the negative things that have happened in the last year, all those things that were meant to hurt me, that could have brought me to the end of my rope... they just made me stronger, made my walk with GOD stronger, brought me to this place where I am... a place that is really just comfortable and have me feeling as if all is good...

A weel ago today, I bumped into my son's father's wife... I really just wanted to tell the woman to leave me and my family alone. I held my tounge because her daughter was standing there and I would never do anything to harm that child. The woman asked to touch my son... I let her. My older son then came along and broke up the little encounter.

As I walked away from the encounter, I made two very definate discoveries... GOD spoke to me through that still small voice...

First I became aware that this woman has no problem using other people to reach her own goals. I have told her time after time to leave me and my family alone. I have been straight forward and blunt about it. I have nothing to say to her and want nothing to do with her. Yet, even with this knowledge, she used the fact that her daughter was there to get close to my son.

She is a user of people...

She may have a relationship with GOD. I actually do not doubt at all that she does. However, she is still bound by the flesh. The message I got from the Holy Spirit was to avoid this person. She is not a person that I can allow to be part of my life. I wondered if perhaps I was projecting how I feel onto what I was hearing... so I went to GOD in prayer to ask for something to show me...

It came to me through the most unusual way... I was sitting on my porch when a neighbor stopped by on his way to the garbage cans... He said Hi, I said Hi, he then asked if my little guy was Goober's baby. I said that yeah he was. He told me that I needed to be careful because his exact words "That kook of a wife of his is going to make your life miserable. She is telling everyone that you lied about who the baby's daddy is. She is friggin crazy that you had that baby."

My answer was simple, I want nothing to do with either of them. As far as I am concerned my son has only one father and that isn't the man who donated his sperm. So then he said why am I talking to him...

WHAT????

It was at that point that I realized the Holy Spirit was speaking to me when I heard not to allow that woman to be part of my life.

I have not spoken to that man AT ALL since the morning of his arrest. When he left my house that morning, it was the last time I spoke to him. I have not talked to him on the phone, I have not written him, I have not sent messages to him, nothing... Everyone who knows me knows how I feel and so the only place that a rumor like that would come from is the psycho wife...

Not having any relationship with either of them really is direction from GOD and I know that I must listen to HIM and not have anything to do with them.

I am a little sad about it, since to keep either of them out of my life it means that their daughter will also have to be kept out of my life. She will miss the connection with her baby brother. But then, perhaps GOD has a reason for this. That child has a lot to deal with in her life. Perhaps being faced with a relationship with her brother (and with me because of his age) would be more than she can handle at this point in her life.

All of this goes back to the feelings of happiness I am having... It is because when all that happened last week, I released, truly released any feelings like I needed to do more in the forgiveness process towards these two. I am not hanging on to resentment, I do not wish either of them harm... I just want absolutely NOTHING to do with them.

Getting to that point~ removing from my thoughts the idea that I wasn't doing what GOD wanted~ knowing that I am in agreement with what GOD wants for me right now~ it was at that moment that I found this new happiness...

Jesus's yolk is so much lighter than the one I was lugging around...

Our God(our God) is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom with wisdom pow'r and love
our God is an awesome God

WHAT A WEEKEND!

First of all, this weekend was so much FUN! The kids and I spent it involved in all sorts of activities. It was a bit on the cold side~ a definite change from last weekend. The cold snap was sort of unexpected. Well not exactly unexpected, the level of cold that we experienced was the unexpected thing. It is without a doubt Autumn.

This weekend marks the end of most of our outdoor activities until it actually snows. I am sad. As much as I dislike heat, we have had SO much fun all summer going all over the place just enjoying the great outdoors. It will be sort of a let down to have to take our activities indoors. I know there are tons of things that we will be doing that will be fun too...

As I sat here thinking about it, I realized something about myself. A little something that I have known for a long time but really hit home while I was thinking about this season change...

I am not fond of change. Even when the change is wanted and looked forward to, I resist, hold on to the old, all to try and stop the change. It is something that I know I need to work on...

Back to this weekend~ we really did have a wonderful weekend. We started with waking up Saturday morning~ I was reluctant to wake up. I wanted to sleep in. But my little bear was insistent that it was time to wake up and get the day going~ we had plans!

Although my little bears birthday is actually on Monday October 5th, the year she was born, she was born on Saturday October 5th. The first Saturday of October in our little community is the Rails to Trails Festival. I remember this because that Saturday, when my little bear was born, our doctor left the hospital for a bit to go participate in the Hand Cart Race at the Festival.

So for the anniversary of this wonderful Saturday in our life, the kids and I headed off to the Festival. What FUN! My little bear was able to ride a hand cart as a sort of memorial for the day she was born. Other than it was a bit on the cold side, it really really was so much fun! There was the chili cook off, shredded meat sammich's from the Deli that my baby boy's Sissy works at, lots of vendors with all sorts of fun wares~ we ate, shopped, and spent the day having fun.

After the Festival we were off to the house to warm up! Snuggles and cuddles and we were ready to head back out for an evening of fun!

And so with a spring in our step we were off...

Off to dinner with a good friend~ good food, good company, good conversation and one would think the day was wrapped up... but we still had fun ahead of us!

Back home again and I was babysitting. Having the other kids in the house was a lot of fun. They played hard, watched Harry Potter on tv and were awake still at 11pm! Not a big deal~ although it was starting to be since they were getting a little whiny. But just as I was thinking it might get out of hand, other mother came and picked up her little ones and my babies were sleeping soundly in a matter of minutes after they left.

When my alarm went off at 7 this morning... I grumbled. I really could have used another hour or so of sleep. But my little bear~ she wanted to go to church and there was no way she was going to let me sleep in. So we were up and showers and baths and dressed and ready to go to church.

I must say I am so very blessed to have this child in my life~ this child who ensures that I am doing the things I need to be doing even when I am reluctant to do it. She is an amazing little girl and I am ever so grateful to GOD for giving her to me.

We went to church and then after church it was home~ we did a little housekeeping and then it was off again~ Today was LifeChain (http://www.lifechain.net/) and my babies and I went out to participate. My heart grieves at the number of children who never get to live because they are the victim of abortion. I know in my heart, that if abortion laws were different... well GOD would be blessing more people.

While I believe that every person must come to terms with the choice they make to kill one of GOD's unborn children, I also believe that GOD provides so many alternatives to women for the child to be born...

Anyway... we participated until my little ones were feeling the cold and I had to take them indoors to warm up. My little bear was very insightful when we went inside to warm up~ she told me that she liked standing with the signs. I asked her why, and her reply was "Well Mommy, maybe someone saw it and will have their baby and let someone adopt it" I told her that that is what we were hoping. She then said "What happens to someone who kills a baby?" I told her it depended on when they killed it.

I told her that the law lets people kill babies if they are still in their Mommy's tummy and couldn't live if they born then. But that once a baby is born then it is illegal and the person would go to jail. She says "That's a stupid law. Babies are special even when they are in their Mommy's tummy."

My little bear really gets it. I am so proud of her.

After this we were off again~ my little bear, for her birthday wanted her ears pierced. So we were off to WalMart to get them done. She picked her earrings and got her ears pierced for her birthday. My baby girl is growing up...

After our excursion, we went and got some dinner and then finally at 7pm we were back home... our weekend was over. What a wonderful weekend we had.

Interesting Day

So today I headed out for a walk with the baby~ we were going to run some errands and pay a couple of bills. We were headed across a parking lot when someone pulls up beside us and calls me by a name I haven't been called by anyone except friends that I have known for 20+ years.

At first I didn't recognize her and then I did...

I am ever more reinforced that I need to move from here. Way to much drama...

The person we ran into was my son's brother's mother. Of course she wanted all the details of what happened with my sons father. I kept telling her I really don't know much. I know what the FBI told me and what I saw in the way of the photographs the FBI showed me. But anything else~ since I haven't talked to my son's father since the morning he was arrested (before he was arrested) and I don't know anything else. Of course there is what my son's father's wife told me~ but I cannot believe anything the woman says since she has told conflicting stories to people through all of this.

She told my brother one story about some information, told me a totally different story and then told a mutual acquaintance still a third story. So as far as I am concerned the woman is an unreliable source of any info.

The woman I ran into and I were once upon a time friends. We spent a lot of time together and did some really fun stuff together. But being friends with this woman was also chaotic and... weird. She has some really good things about her, but then there is the weird side of her and you never knew when it would come out.

But no matter~ that was then and this is now...

Today we spent about 2 hours catching up and chatting about a bunch of different stuff. From the sounds of things she and my son's father's wife are friends now. They seem to have ironed out the anger and resentments of the last 20+ years that built up between them. I wish them luck being friends.

I am sitting here tonight processing some of the information that was shared by this woman. Some of it is just BS. Take it with a grain of salt... Like when she told me that the "wife" told her that she didn't think my son was her husbands... hey don't I ever wish that were the case. I would be the FIRST person going to anyone, everyone, to prove he wasn't my son's father if there was even an inkling of a chance that he wasn't. Hell I might even make a deal with the devil to make it so. Anything to protect my son from the evil that is his father. I wish...

Having her go around telling people that the baby isn't her husbands does not hurt me in any way shape or form. It doesn't hurt my son either. As it stands in a few months I will be able to file abandonment and get MrStupid's name off the birth certificate and change my son's last name to mine. He will not have to know anything about his sperm donor.

Moving will also help, since once we are in the new place, no one will know anything about my son's father and he will not hear any of the nasty rumors that this town spews. I am so sick of it...

Since this is not the first person who has told me that my son's father's wife has said this, I am going to include it in my statement for the name change. Rumor or not it will help since she has told multiple people the same thing. Why should my baby share the same last name as her? She can have the last name, I don't want it for my son.

I am tired and irritable and plain cranky over this whole mess...

Swimming Good Fun

A Day at the Pool!

Kids and I had a BLAST!!!! Swimming all afternoon and having a grand time!

It was a total no worries day!

My niece joined in all the fun!

A fun day for sure!

Days like these make it all worth it!

Friday

I am sitting here tonight comfortably tired and pleasantly happy with the day I had.

I got to spend several hours with my grandsons~ it was so wonderful! The boys, their Mom and their cousin all came over and we walked to the park. The boys are growing up so fast. Hard to believe that my oldest grandson will be 5 in 3 short months. My other grandson (not in this picture) will be 5 in April and then my youngest grandson will be 4 in April. Seems like yesterday that they were just being born.

I love those boys so much... I am ever so fortunate that they are part of my life. I miss my other grandson that I don't get to see, but having these two boys around and able to do things with them... well it is such a blessing.

Things really are so good in my life right now~ there are only a couple of things that would make it better. My daughter being here would make things better~ I miss that child so much. The saving grace is that we are able to talk and text each other every day. I love the little text messages from her~ they let me know she misses me as much as I miss her.

The other thing that would be grand is to be able to have a real house again. I do like the little apartment~ it is comfortable enough for now. But I miss a house. I miss being able to let the boys RUN through grandma's house like banshee's being loud and obnoxious. I feel bad that I have to tell them "Shhhhh, grandma has neighbors". Same with my own kids. Not being able to have a dog or cat, not having a yard to play in, having stupid people doing stupid things right out our door... A house would indeed be nice.

But really over all~ no complaints.

If you are interested, take a look at my Troubled Thoughts blog to see what other things are going on ~ because along with the good stuff I have been dealing with some emotional junk too...

Coping

I have had a rough couple of days in some ways and then delightful days in other ways. Things have been really just off kilter for me. As I have tried to sort things out I have not been writing near as often on my blogs.

Generally I process better through writing and chatting with friends. But some of what I was dealing with, well it was hard to put into words. I am still struggling a bit with some thoughts but realize that I really need to be writing if I am going to work through it all.

First let me share some really awesome stuff~

Sunday morning I woke up and I really didn't feel like leaving the house. I would have been content snuggled up all day on the sofa with the kids doing not much of anything. But...

Here came my baby girl, bouncing out of her room, dress in hand telling me to get up and get ready, church starts in an hour. So I drug myself out of bed and got in the shower... Soon we were off to church. I had the opportunity to talk to someone at church who really impacted my day. So even though I didn't really want to go and was a reluctant member of the congregation, it was all for good and I am blessed because I went. There will be a little more on this in just a bit.

After church, my little bit wanted to play outside so bad. So we packed a lunch and off we went to the park...

Picnic in the park and playing all afternoon really was a lot of fun. Relaxing for sure. While Elizabeth was off playing, Allen and I snuggled on the blanket, watching and just being close to God out there.

So then Monday it was a day of errands as I walked from one end of town to the other. When the baby and I started out it was just a tad over 50 degrees. Fall is here indeed! The crisp cool mornings have arrived!

I was once more reminded that day, just how lucky I was to have been put in a position where we didn't have a car for so long and how much we can enjoy from walking places. The pace is slower, there is so much to see and enjoy, and there is time to reflect, talk with God, and get into right places mentally and emotionally.

Then when my little bear got home from school~ the four of us headed over to the Frosty Mill~

These are the moments of memory making and fun~

So then yesterday, Tuesday... once more I had some errands to run and so the little guy and I headed out bright and early. We were joined by my older son a little later and had a fun morning with the three of us. Really all was enjoyable. Then evening came and the little bear had Bible Quest. The kids are all sure enjoying the start of the year of Bible Quest and getting into the lessons.

And then that brings us to today~ another busy day. Allen's developmental teacher was here this morning. Today was an assessment day. It was very rewarding to hear that Allen is developing right on schedule and a few things a bit a head of schedule. His fine motor skills are flourishing now. His gross motor skills are also right on target. He is pulling himself up to stand now~

I am amazed at how fast he is growing up. So after Allen's thing, Allen, Eugene and I went and did a couple of loads of laundry (reminder to be GRATEFUL for having a washer and dryer in the house when I get into a house again!) After laundry we headed down to the store to get some milk and fresh fruit. Fresh fruit season is going to be coming to an end soon. I want to take advantage of what we can get on the cheap for as long as possible.

Then Elizabeth had a girl scout meeting this afternoon. LOL in all my infinite wisdom, I took a look at where the meeting was at and thought, oh thats close, lets walk... NEVER AGAIN! It is a long walk up the hill to where her meeting was, a long hot walk. Live and learn :)

Her meeting was great and we now have the schedule for the next few months. It is going to be a busy year, with lots of activities going on. After the meeting, we walked home... Again, although the walk to the meeting was exhausting, the walk home really had a few moments of gratitude for being able to walk and enjoy all that God has given us. I don't know if you can see them~ but here are pictures from three different places on our walk home where we saw deer~

A deer resting in the shade, a deer crossing the road, and a small herd in the gully

God truly does shower us with blessings if we just stop for a minute to enjoy them. I love watching the deer, seeing the wildlife that I don't always get to get pictures of to share but get the mental pictures of. I love the family moments I get to enjoy with my children. And...

My grandson came by tonight for a visit! I love my grandbabies and don't get to see them near as often as I would like. I only got to see the one tonight, this ones brother was at home and of course my other grandson we aren't allowed to see at all because of his Mom and my son not getting along.

There is my grandson, not wanting to sit for the picture... he wanted to play with Allen's truck :)